110+ Mary Jokes & Puns: You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me!
Ahoy there, mateys! 👋 Ready to set sail on a sea of laughter with the best Mary jokes the internet has to offer? 🌊 We’ve got more puns than you can shake a sheep’s fleece at, with humor so funny it’s practically criminal. 😂 Get ready for a treasure chest overflowing with clever jokes for kids and adults alike – from Mary Poppins to Bloody Mary, this list of knee-slappers is guaranteed to have you shouting “Land ho!” for more. ⚓️😂
Top Mary Jokes – Best Picks
- Why don’t they let Mary play poker in the kitchen? Because she keeps whipping up a roux-yal flush!
- Why did Mary bring a ladder to her wedding? She heard her husband-to-be was a super Mario.
- Mary’s boss told her to make copies of herself for the meeting. She sighed and said: “Well, that’s my cloning leaving early shot!”
- Why is Mary like a dictionary? Because she’s full of definitions… mostly her own!
- Where does Mary go when she wants to be alone? To her “Me”-time zone!
- Mary just opened a bakery specializing in circular treats. What’s its slogan? “Anything but square!”
- Mary tried to join the navy but failed the water test. What happened? Turns out, she’s buoy-ant!
- What did Mary say when she lost her pet parrot? “Polly want a… new owner?”
- Why did Mary get kicked off the synchronized swimming team? She refused to wear a swim cap, insisted on a “Mary”-gold!
- Why did Mary bring a pencil to every party? She wanted to make sure things were always drawn to her.
- Mary decided to become a gardener but quit after a week. Why? Turns out, she wasn’t into botany.
- What should you do if you see Mary dancing on a table? Ask her what song it is – that girl only busts a move for absolute bangers!
Clever Mary Puns – Best Picks
- I met a woman named Mary who’s a professional ghost hunter. Turns out, she’s amazing at excorsi-Marys. 👻
- Why did Mary become a gardener? She heard you could really grow with the flow-Marys. 🌸
- Mary’s dream job? To be a hip-hop artist, rhyming all the contra-Marys. 🎤
- Mary started a band called “The Contradictions.” Their hit single? “I Don’t Care-y.” 🎸
- Mary’s so indecisive, she brought a dictionary of synonyms just to order a straw-Mary. 🍹
- Mary’s a terrible baker. Her cakes? More like scary-Marys! 🎂 😬
- Mary’s dating an entomologist. Apparently, he’s really into ant-Marys. 🐜 😉
- What’s Mary’s favorite type of shoe? Why, slippers-Marys, of course! 👠
- Don’t tell Mary a secret. She’s got loose lips like a library-Mary. 🤫
- Mary couldn’t make up her mind about dessert. She was stuck in a real parfait-Mary. 🍨
- Mary’s a skilled archer, but she refuses to use ordinary-Marys. 🏹
- Mary’s such a rebel, she always roots for the contr-Marys. 😈
- Mary’s a talented artist, specializing in abstract water-color-Marys. 🎨
- What did Mary say when she won the lottery? “This is un-be-liev-a-Mary!” 💰🎉
- Don’t invite Mary to poker night. She’s a notorious card-shark-Mary. 🃏
Funny Mary One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny Mary Jokes
- Mary went to the bank to get a loan, but they said her credit history was a little too “Rosemary’s Baby.”
- Mary’s new job at the seafood market is going swimmingly; they say she’s a real catch-a-Mary.
- Mary tried to join the chess club, but they told her she wasn’t strategic enough. She said, “Hey, don’t go pinning this on Mary!”
- I met a girl named Mary who works at a clock factory. She makes time fly!
- You know, Mary is a whiz at Scrabble. She’s always racking up the bonus points with words like “contrary” and “library.”
- Forget Tinder, I met Mary on FarmersOnly.com. It was love at first udder sight.
- Mary’s always losing her glasses. We think she might need a monocle Mary.
- Mary’s always the life of the party. She brings the “merri” to every occasion!
- Mary wanted a pet bird, but she couldn’t decide between a parrot or a canary. So, she got both and named them “This” and “That.” You know what they say… “This, that, and the other Mary.”
- Mary broke up with her boyfriend because he was always lion to her. Apparently, honesty wasn’t his mane priority.
- Mary’s favorite drink is chamomile tea. She says it really takes the edge off her “contrary Mary” side.
- Mary tried to make a fruit salad, but she used the wrong type of melon. It was a real water-Mary-on situation.
- Mary’s going to be late for our meeting. She said something about a “hairy scary” situation. I think she meant “hairy scary,” but you never know with Mary.
- Mary told me she wanted to name her daughter after her favorite flower. I can’t wait to meet baby Petunia.
Mary QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Mary
- Q: Why did Mary bring a ladder to the bar? A: She heard the drinks were on the house, and she’s not one to miss a highball!
- Q: What did Mary say to her unruly garden hose? A: “Pipe down, or I’ll have to re-hose you!”
- Q: Why did Mary go on a date with a beekeeper? A: She was hoping for a sweet honey-moon period!
- Q: What did Mary say when her pet parrot flew away? A: “Awk! This is simply un-bear-able!”
- Q: Where did Mary learn to make ice cream so fast? A: She took a crash course in dairy-ing!
- Q: Why did Mary become a gardener? A: She wanted to say she’d been to “he-herb” college!
- Q: What kind of music does Mary like to play on the piano? A: Anything from Bach to “Mary”-o Kart music!
- Q: Why was Mary so good at hide-and-seek? A: She had this uncanny ability to just “dis-a-pear!”
- Q: What did they call Mary when she joined the pirate crew? A: Captain Mary Time! She had a strict ship schedule.
- Q: What did Mary say when she entered the art competition? A: “I hope you’re all ‘art’-fully prepared, because I came to win!”
- Q: Why did Mary get kicked out of the library? A: She kept trying to “book” it out of there with the newest novels!
- Q: What did Mary say when she opened her new restaurant? A: “Welcome! I hope our food is un-pho-gettable.”
- Q: What’s Mary’s favorite type of tea? A: Ce-“real”-ly, any kind will do!
- Q: Why was Mary such a good detective? A: She always “caught the ‘Mary’-gritty details.”
- Q: How does Mary like to relax after a long day? A: She loves to just “wine” down with a good book!
Dad Jokes About Mary: Pun-Filled Quips
- I met a woman named Mary who could make incredible bread disappear. Turns out, she was a gluten-for-punishment baker.
- Why don’t they let Mary play poker in the kitchen? Because she’s always got a sweet roll up her sleeve.
- Ever heard of Mary’s little lamb? It was a merin-o wonder!
- Mary went on a tropical vacation and came back completely changed. I guess you could say it was a real Mary-morphosis.
- Mary tried starting a band called “The Contradictions.” It fell apart when they couldn’t decide whether to be for or against things.
- What does Mary put on her dry skin? Lotion, what else were you thinking?
- Mary started a wild animal refuge, but she’s only accepting donations in small amounts. I hear it’s a micro-sanctuary.
- Mary opened a seafood restaurant – I hear the food is good, but the atmosphere is a little fishy.
- What’s Mary Poppins’ favorite type of candy? A spoonful of sugar!
- What did the stamp say to Mary’s postcard? I’m sticking with you all the way!
- Mary’s always losing her glasses. I think she needs to keep a closer eye on them!
- Mary said she wanted to learn how to make pottery, but it turns out she’d rather just watch. I guess she’s more of a clay spectator.
- Why did Mary get kicked out of the library? She kept shouting “This book is overdue!”
Mary Jokes and Puns for Kids
- Why did Mary bring a ladder to her sheep farm? Because she wanted to count the baa-meters! 🐑📏
- What’s Mary’s favorite school subject? Geography, because she loves to learn about Mount Ever-rest! 🏔️📚
- Why couldn’t anyone understand Mary’s sheepdog? Because he spoke in woofs and ma-ries! 🐶🗣️
- Why was Mary’s garden always so merry? Because she planted a smile in every row! 🌻😁
- What did Mary say to the grumpy little cloud? “Hey there, don’t be so down in the dumps, we all have our cloudy days!” ☁️😔
- Why did Mary become a baker? Because she kneaded some extra dough! 👩🍳💰
- What’s a sheep’s favorite game to play with Mary? Truth or baa-re! 🐑😄
- What did Mary say when she saw the sheep wearing sunglasses? “Hey there, lookin’ shear-p!” 😎🐑
- How do you get a sheep to smile for a photo with Mary? Say “cheese-baaaa!” 📸🐑🧀
- Why did the sheep cross the road with Mary? To get to the baa-rber shop! 🐑💇♀️
- What kind of music do Mary and her sheep listen to? Anything but heavy metal… they’re pure wool! 🎶🐑
- Why did Mary take her sheep to school? She heard there was going to be a wool-ly mammoth presentation! 🦣🏫
- What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? I don’t know, but don’t ask Mary to jump over it! 🦘🐑
- Why don’t they let Mary play hide and seek with the sheep? Because she’s always bleating them! 🐑😜
Mary Jokes and Puns for Elders
- Why don’t they let Mary Poppins play poker in the clouds? Because she keeps getting accused of having an umbrella up her sleeve.
- Mary’s retirement party was going swimmingly… Until someone mentioned they got her a timeshare in the Bermuda Triangle.
- Heard about the new restaurant called “Mary’s Memories?” They only serve comfort food, but no one under 70 can read the menu.
- Mary said online dating is just like trying to win at bingo. It’s all about finding your lucky numbers…and hoping they don’t shout “Bingo!” for someone else.
- Mary insists she’s still got it. Her grandkids just wish “it” wasn’t that hideous vintage lamp.
- What’s the difference between Mary and a hurricane? You can get a margarita out of a hurricane.
- Mary’s secret to a long life? “A good martini and never telling the same lie twice… unless you’re really good at it.”
- Mary went to the doctor complaining about her short-term memory. The doctor asked, “Since when have you had this problem?” Mary replied, “What problem?”
- Why did Mary get kicked out of the retirement home knitting club? She kept telling everyone to “stitch, please!”
- Mary’s new hearing aids are state-of-the-art. Now she can ignore people in both ears.
- Mary claimed her new dentures were uncomfortable. But honestly, she just missed having something to clack at the grandkids.
- Why did Mary tell her grandkids to invest in prunes? “Because by the time you need them, the market will be flush!”
- Doctor told Mary she needed to take her medication with a full glass of water. She told him she’d rather have a martini – “it lasts longer.”
- Mary’s family is worried about her obsession with the History Channel. They’re pretty sure she’s starting to believe she lived through all of it.
- Mary won the “Senior of the Year” award. Her acceptance speech was a bit rambling, but everyone agreed she definitely earned the right to complain about everything.
Mary Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Social Media
- Just met a woman named Mary who’s obsessed with making candles. Seems like a very wick-ed hobby. 😉🕯️
- Heard Mary started a band called “The Contradictions.” Apparently, they’re really good, but nobody goes to their shows…because they’re always sold out. 🎤🤯
- What did Mary say to her pet lamb who was afraid of heights? “Don’t worry, it’s just a baa-d case of vertigo.” 🐑😂
- My friend Mary told me she wanted to be reincarnated as a bird. I told her to be careful what she wishes for, things could get a bit…tweety. 🐦😬
- Mary went to art school to learn how to paint oceans. Turns out, she’s a real master of water-colors! 🎨🌊
- Why is Mary such a good poker player? She always has an ace up her sleeve…and a queen in her hand. 😎🃏
- Mary’s always losing her glasses. I think she needs to face the facts: she’s just spectacle-ly challenged. 🤓🤦♀️
- Never challenge Mary to a thumb war. She’s got that opposible thumb-ility. 👍🏆
- Mary said she wanted to name her pet parrot “Alexa,” but I told her it was too mainstream. Now she’s thinking “Siri-ously” about it. 🦜🤔
- Just saw Mary at the bakery looking for the perfect sourdough. Guess you could say she was on a quest for the yeast of her worries. 🍞😌
- You know Mary, always the life of the party? Turns out she used to be a baker in her past life. She’s always raisin’ the roof! 🎉🎂
- I told Mary my spirit animal was a sloth. She looked at me very slowly and said, “Interesting.” 🦥🐢
- Mary’s really into conspiracy theories lately. I told her, “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you…or does it?” 🤔👽
- Mary started a new job as a yoga instructor. I guess you could say she really bends over backwards for her students. 🧘♀️🤸♀️
- Mary’s always losing her train of thought. I keep telling her, “Don’t worry, there’ll be another one along in a minute…or maybe two if it’s rush hour.” 🚂🤪
Mary-ly We Go, Hope You Laughed So!
We’ve reached the end of our Mary-thon of jokes and puns! Hopefully, we’ve given you a chuckle or two, or at least a reason to say “oh Mary!” For more pun-derful adventures and jokes that are anything but contrary, be sure to explore the rest of our hilariously punny website.
