94+ Ways to “Him” Up Your Jokes & Puns
Get ready to groan with laughter 😂 because we’ve compiled the ultimate list of “Him” jokes! This collection of clever puns and funny quips is perfect for kids and adults alike. Whether you’re looking for the best jokes to share with your friends or just need a good chuckle, we’ve got you covered. So buckle up and get ready for some seriously hilarious humor, because these puns are all about him, and they’re guaranteed to tickle your funny bone! 🎤🥁
Top Him Jokes – Best Picks
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
- What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved him over!
- Why do barbers make good drivers? They know all the short cuts to see him.
- I saw a sign that said “Watch for Animals.” I thought, “That seems redundant, I always watch him!”
- I used to be addicted to soap… but I’m clean now. He still has problems though.
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere for him.
- What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. One is a fashion faux pas, the other a fashion him cycle!
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! But seriously, don’t repeat that, he’s sensitive about it.
- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one! He gets competitive.
- Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little more space… Him and his anxieties.
- What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! But don’t tell him that, his ego is already big enough.
- What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! I know, it’s a groan-er, just like him!
- Why was the equal sign so humble? They knew they weren’t less than or greater than anyone else! He could learn a thing or two…
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up! Just kidding, it was a prank. Don’t tell him, he can’t keep a secret.
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato! Kind of reminds me of him on weekends…
- I just wrote a book on anti-gravity… It’s impossible to put down! Even he couldn’t.
- Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! Try not to laugh, he’s sensitive about his aquatic friends.
Clever Him Puns – Best Picks
- I used to date a guy who couldn’t tell time. I knew him way back when.
- He’s got an amazing singing voice. A real vocal gymnast. Too bad I left him on read.
- He was an expert at escapology…always knew how to get himself out of a tight spot.
- She knew he was the one for her… he was just too dense to realize hymself.
- He started a band dedicated to doorbells. They called themselves The Ding-a-Lings.
- He tried to start a dating service for chickens, but he could never get himself organized.
- He was such a bad artist, even his stick figures looked defeated.
- He opened a restaurant called “Karma”. There was no menu, you just got what you deserved.
- His fashion sense was all over the place. Some might say himpossible to define.
- He tried to write a song about bread, but it just kept falling flat. He blamed his yeast infection.
- He couldn’t tell the difference between a salad and a swamp…said his heart wasn’t in it.
- His attempts to learn another language were… well, let’s just say himpossible to understand.
- He tripped and fell into a vat of alphabet soup. Now he’s himmersed in his work.
- He was obsessed with bees… said his whole life was the bee’s knees.
- He was a terrible gambler… always betting on himself and losing.
- He thought he was a mind reader, which was ironic, because he didn’t have a clue.
Funny Him One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny Him Jokes
- He’s such a bad dancer, he puts the “disco” in “discouraged.”
- Asked him what his favorite cereal was… he said “Chex” yourself before you wreck yourself.”
- He’s so forgetful, when I asked him if he liked his gift, he said, “What gift?” I said, “Exactly!”
- His cooking is so bad, the smoke alarm goes off before the oven preheats.
- He tried to join a camouflage club, but they wouldn’t let him in.
- He’s so unlucky, if it were raining soup, he’d be standing there with a fork.
- He’s so clumsy, he once tripped over a wireless connection.
- He’s got a great business selling seashells… he’s really shore of himself.
- He’s learning how to drive a stick shift. I told him, “Don’t worry, it’ll click eventually.”
- He tried to draw his own self-portrait, but it was only a head and shoulders above the rest.
- He’s so indecisive, he orders the “Chef’s Surprise” and then complains about not knowing what he’s getting.
- He’s not always a photographer, but when he is… He’s got to be the center of attention.
- He’s not always a musician, but when he is… He really knows how to strike a chord with people.
- He’s not always a comedian, but when he is… He really cracks me up.
- He’s not always a historian, but when he is… He digs what I’m saying.
- He may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but hey, at least he’s stored in a place with tools.
Him QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Him
- Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award? A: Because him-pressive work ethic was outstanding in his field!
- Q: Why did the bicycle fall over? A: Because it was twoTIRED to hold him up!
- Q: What’s a bee’s favorite genre of music? A: Anything but him-hop!
- Q: What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A: A pouch potato! We tried to motivate him, but he just wasn’t jump-ing on the opportunity.
- Q: I just saw a sign that said “Watch for Animals.” A: How rude, I thought they were free! I guess I should keep my eyes out for him-proper conduct signs next.
- Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A: A gummy bear! But don’t worry, he’-s harmless.
- Q: What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? A: I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream… but he screams for boo-berry!
- Q: What do you call it when a group of apes starts a band? A: A chimp-phony orchestra! Although, their lead singer is known for him-provisational riffs.
- Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms? A: Because they make up everything! They’re always spinning him-possible tales.
- Q: Why don’t lobsters share? A: They’re shellfish! And incredibly him-mature if you ask me.
- Q: What do you call a funny mountain? A: Hill-arious! I haven’t climbed him yet, but I hear he’s got great peaks.
- Q: Why was the equal sign so humble? A: They knew they weren’t less than or greater than anyone else! They lived by the motto, “Just be-cause I’m right doesn’t mean you’re wrong.” Now that’s what I call him-partiality!.
- Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A: In case he got a hole-in-one! Gotta give him credit though, the man was always prepared.
Dad Jokes About Him: Pun-Filled Quips
- Why don’t they play cards in the jungle? Too many cheetahs… him included!
- That new barber really messed up my son’s hair. I guess I should’ve known, him and his salon didn’t seem very reputable.
- My son’s a mime, he’s got a big performance tonight. I told him, “Break a leg! …Silently, of course.”
- Did you hear about the psychic dwarf who escaped jail? They say there’s a small medium at large… but I’ve got a feeling it was him all along.
- The magician said he could make my son disappear. I said, “You and everyone else!” Turns out he was right, him and that rabbit are thick as thieves.
- My son wanted to name his pet fish “Nemo”… but I had to draw the line. I said, “It’s him or me!”
- I saw my son struggling to carry a bunch of clocks. I said, “Hey, looks like you’ve got a lot on your hands… or should I say, on him?”
- My son wanted to join the circus as a juggler. I said, “Son, don’t you think you should learn to walk and chew gum first? One step at a time… unless you’re juggling, then it’s all him.”
- My son told me he invented a new type of shoe. I said, “Really? Tell me more about him… or should I say, ‘sole-ly’ about the shoe?”
- My son said his teacher was a little rough around the edges. I said, “Well, every teacher has their own style… even if him and finesse don’t always see eye to eye.”
- My son asked me how much a polar bear weighs. I said, “Enough to break the ice! …but seriously, don’t let him sit on you.”
- My son wanted to know what the opposite of a great sausage was. I said, “A wurst-case scenario! …especially if you’re eating with him, he’s got a big appetite.”
- I took my son to see the Grand Canyon. He said, “Wow Dad, did you build this?” I looked him straight in the eye and said, “It was a team effort.”
- My son asked me why golfers always bring an extra pair of pants. I said, “In case they get a hole-in-one! …also, never trust him with a good pair of slacks.”
- My son stole my dictionary and thesaurus. I told him, “Words cannot express how angry I am right now… which I’m sure you’ll find synonyms for later.”
- Son: “Dad, can you make me a sandwich?” Me: “Poof! You’re a sandwich!” Son: “Dad, that’s not funny!” Me: “You’re right, it was actually quite him-possible.”
- My son’s always asking me for money. I tell him, “Money doesn’t grow on trees, son. It’s earned through hard work… and occasionally found in my wallet… but mostly hard work, got it? Don’t tell him.”
Him Jokes and Puns for Kids
- Why did the boy bring a ladder to the library? Because he heard the shelves were high-m!
- What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved hi-m!
- Why don’t they play cards in the jungle? Too many cheetahs… and they can’t tell who’s lion to who-m!
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field-him!
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato-him!
- Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencil-vania-him!
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything-him!
- What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste-him!
- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one-him!
- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear-him!
- What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry-him!
- What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me-him, something smells!
- Why is being a pirate so addictive? They say once ye lose your first hand, ye get hooked-him!
- What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious-him!
- Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was twoTIRED-him!
- Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems-him!
- Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze-him!
- What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree-him!
- What does oblivious mean, again-him? 😉
Him Jokes and Puns for Elders
- Why did the elder gentleman refuse to play cards with the time traveler? Because he kept trying to tell him the future.
- He used to be a baker, but he got tired of people saying he had too many irons in the fire. Now, he just himself into hobbies.
- My friend said his new hearing aid is Bluetooth compatible. I told him, “Your ears are Bluetooth, his ears are Bose.”
- I saw a man with a sign that said “Psychic Parking – $10.” I asked him if he knew I was going to park there.
- Why did the elder rock star marry his groupie? Because he couldn’t live without hymn.
- An old sculptor told me he made his fortune carving replicas of the Venus de Milo. Apparently, he made an arm and a leg.
- Why did the retired tailor always carry a ladder? In case he needed to take hem up on his offer.
- My grandfather is learning to play the trombone, but he’s struggling with the low notes. I told him it takes time to develop a good embouchure.
- They say a watched pot never boils, but I caught him staring at the kettle intently. He said he was conducting a stake out.
- Why did the retired watchmaker refuse to fix digital clocks? He said there was simply nothing to it but to him.
- A man walked into a library and asked for books about paranoia. The librarian whispered, “They’re right behind him!”
- Why did the elder fisherman wear two life vests? Because he was told it was buoyant if he doubled them.
- What do you call a retired lawyer who dyes his hair? A sue-do-him.
- I met a guy at the dog park who claimed his chihuahua was a purebred champion. I looked at him skeptically and said, “That’s a tall tail to tell.”
- Why did the elderly gentleman join the choir? Because he’d always been told he had a face for radio, but a voice for hymnal singing.
- I told my neighbor his garden gnome looks awfully smug. He just smiled and said, “Don’t take it personally, it’s just his gnome de terre.”
- A retired magician told me he could make my money disappear. I said, “That’s no trick, my kids already do that for him.”
