109+ Psychic Puns & Jokes That Are Out of Sight
🔮 Looking for the best psychic jokes that are out of this world? 😂 Get ready to laugh your crystal ball off with this hilarious list of puns and funny jokes about psychics! Whether you’re a believer or a skeptic, this collection of clever quips is perfect for kids and adults alike. Get ready for some seriously funny mind games. 😜
Top Psychic Jokes – Best Picks
- Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery? Because they’re always picking the wrong numbers… duh! 😜
- I went to a psychic last week. She told me I have a very strong aura. I said, “Well, make it a Sprite then, I’m trying to cut back on sugar.” 🥤
- You know you’re at a bad psychic when… they ask for your name during the reading. 🔮
- A psychic walks into a bar… and says, “Hey, I knew you guys were going to be here.” 😎
- My psychic told me to invest in a company that’s about to be huge. Turns out, it was a balloon factory. I guess she wasn’t lying! 🎈
- I met a psychic who could predict what you were going to eat. He was easy to read. 🍔🌮
- What’s a psychic’s favorite type of tea? Medi-tea-um, of course. ☕
- How do you know if your dog is psychic? They start barking at the mailman before he even arrives. 🐶✉️
- My friend claims to be psychic, but I’m not buying it. He still hasn’t returned the book I lent him last year! 🤔
- I went to a Zoom meeting for psychics the other day. It was… well, awkward. We all just kept saying, “I know, right?” at the same time. 💻
- What’s a psychic’s favorite dessert? Icing… because they can see right through it. 🎂
- A psychic walks into a library, goes straight to a shelf and pulls out a book. “This one,” he declares, “will tell you everything you need to know about the future!” The librarian whispers, “Sir, that’s the fiction section.” 📚
- My friend says he can communicate with vegetables. I reckon he’s a bit of a… medium, rare talent! 🥕🥦
- Never play poker with a psychic…. unless you want to lose your shirt and your mind! 🃏🤯
- Why did the psychic get fired from the theater? He kept revealing all the plot twists! 🎭

Clever Psychic Puns – Best Picks
- I tried to start a psychic network, but it went bankrupt in six months. Turns out I should have seen it coming.
- My psychic powers are like Wi-Fi. Sometimes they’re strong, sometimes I just get a weak connection, and sometimes my mom uses all the bandwidth.
- Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery? Because they’re always picking the wrong numbers… on purpose! Gotta keep up appearances, you know?
- Just met a psychic who could predict what you’re going to eat. He’s a cereal offender.
- I recently broke up with my psychic girlfriend. She said it was over before it even began.
- Getting my morning coffee from a new barista who claims to be psychic. So far, he’s gotten my order frightfully right.
- A psychic told me I’d meet a tall, dark, and handsome stranger today. Turns out it was just the UPS guy dropping off my new lamp. I guess technically, she wasn’t wrong.
- What’s a psychic’s favorite type of tea? Medium blend!
- Tired of your boring job? Become a psychic! It’s easy to get in touch with spirits when you work for minimum wage.
- Tried to become a psychic, but I couldn’t hack it. Apparently, premonition doesn’t mean “pre-Monday exhaustion.” Who knew?
- What do you call a psychic dwarf who escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
- The psychic fish was fired from his job. He couldn’t predict any sales because he worked in the salmon department.
- You know, I used to be skeptical of psychics, but then I met one who told me exactly what I wanted to hear. Now, I’m a believer in the power of suggestion…and good marketing.
- My dog’s a psychic. He can always tell when I’m about to open a bag of treats. Also, when I’m about to take him for a walk, need to cuddle, or breathe.
- I met a psychic who specializes in predicting the past. It’s actually quite boring. She just keeps telling me how much better things used to be.
Funny Psychic One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny Psychic Jokes
- I tried to become a psychic, but I couldn’t see a future in it.
- My psychic said I’d win an argument with a telemarketer – I’m eager to hear the silent treatment.
- Just had a psychic reading. Turns out my future is pretty vague.
- Being a psychic is so rewarding. Especially when your clients aren’t cheap.
- A psychic offered to tell my fortune for $5. I said, “Isn’t it ironic that you have to ask?”
- You know a psychic’s in a good mood when they’re vibing.
- Met a psychic dwarf today who escaped from jail. Must’ve been a small medium at large.
- A psychic told me to invest in a company that makes blankets. Said it’s got a comfortable future ahead.
- My psychic powers must be on the fritz, because all I see is static.
- My psychic encouraged me to embrace my mistakes. I think he meant it literally.
- What do you call a psychic duck? A four-seen feather.
- I went to a psychic, and she charged me $50 a word. Seems a little steep, but on the other hand…
- Being a psychic is exhausting. My mind always feels read.
Psychic QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Psychic
- Q: Do you think millennials will ever be able to afford homes? Psychic: I see an open house in your future… filled with other disappointed millennials eating avocado toast.
- Q: Will I finally win the lottery this year? Psychic: Let me consult the spirits… shakes magic 8-ball “Outlook hazy, try asking someone who doesn’t charge by the minute.”
- Q: Can you tell me what my husband is thinking right now? Psychic: That depends, is his name Google too?
- Q: My doctor told me I need to avoid stressful situations. What should I do? Psychic: Find a new doctor. This one clearly doesn’t see the future.
- Q: What’s the difference between a psychic and a used car salesman? Psychic: A used car salesman knows when he’s lying.
- Q: Is it true you can predict what I’m going to eat for dinner? Psychic: Only if it’s takeout. Again.
- Q: Will I ever find true love? Psychic: Of course! whispers But it might be hiding behind a paywall on a dating app.
- Q: I’m feeling lost in life. Can you see what my true calling is? Psychic: To be honest, I’m a little lost myself. Didn’t see that career change coming.
- Q: Can you help me move a heavy object with your mind? Psychic: Only if it’s the needle on this scale. Those calories don’t count during a reading.
- Q: How do you make a small fortune as a psychic? Psychic: Start with a large fortune. Next!
- Q: You claim to be the most accurate psychic in the world. Prove it. Psychic: You will ask me for proof. smirks
- Q: I brought you a gift! It’s a crystal ball. Psychic: That’s very kind! Although, I already have one… I’m still waiting for that Netflix subscription to pay off though.
- Q: What’s a psychic’s favorite type of tea? Psychic: Herbal in-fuse-ions. It helps with the visions.
- Q: Can you give me one piece of advice for the future? Psychic: Don’t believe everything you hear. Especially from a guy in a sparkly turban.
Dad Jokes About Psychic: Pun-Filled Quips
- I tried to become a psychic, but I didn’t foresee it working out.
- I went to a psychic’s office, and she told me to leave. Apparently, I came at a bad thyme.
- You know, my grandpa could bend spoons with his mind. Impressive? Nah, he was just a psychic-opath.
- My friend claims to be psychic. I asked him what I was thinking, he said, “Probably that I’m faking it.” I guess he’s right. He must be psychic-ed!
- How do you know if a psychic is having a bad day? He’s got a frown-tensity headache.
- My wife got mad when I said her psychic friend was a fraud. I should have seen that coming a mile away.
- Someone stole the psychic’s crystal ball – the police say they have no leads.
- I asked the psychic to tell me about my past lives. Turns out, I procrastinated learning the answers in all of them.
- A psychic offered me a free reading. I told him, “No thanks, I can see right through you.”
- What’s a psychic’s favorite type of tea? Medium.
- Do you believe in psychic powers? Because I have a feeling we’ve met before…
- Why did the psychic refuse to read the fortune teller’s palm? He said it was a conflict of interest.
- My dad’s not a psychic, but he’s pretty good at predicting what’s for dinner… it’s always leftovers.
- Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs… and one psychic jaguar.
- I wouldn’t say I’m psychic, but right now I can sense you reading this list and giggling to yourself.
Psychic Jokes and Puns for Kids
- Why did the psychic get lost on their walk? Because they missed all the signs!
- What’s a psychic’s favorite drink? ESP-resso!
- What do you call a psychic duck? A wise quacker!
- Why did the psychic snail get a speeding ticket? He was charged with ESP-eeding!
- What do you call a psychic who loves to bowl? A strike seer!
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Psychic. Psychic who? I knew you would say that!
- Why didn’t the psychic win the lottery? They said their numbers were coming to them… eventually.
- My friend says he has ESP, but I’m a bit sci-ptic.
- What’s a psychic’s favorite school subject? Tele-pathy!
- Why don’t they let psychics play poker? They always know when someone’s bluffing.
- How does a psychic artist paint? With a vision easel!
- What do you call a psychic kangaroo? A pouch-tuitive thinker!
- What do you get if you cross a psychic and a mushroom? I don’t know, but it’s something to think about!
- Where do fortune tellers stay when they go on vacation? The future!
Psychic Jokes and Puns for Elders
- I went to a psychic who could tell my future just by smelling my hand. Turns out, I have a very “predict-able” future. (Play on “predictable” sound)
- A psychic told me I’d come into a lot of money when I’m older. So far, so good. (Dry, ironic humor relating to age)
- My friend said he met a psychic who could talk to vegetables. I said, “That’s pre-posterous!” (Play on “preposterous” sounding like a vegetable)
- You know you’re getting old when the only spirits you see are in the liquor cabinet. (Play on “spirits” with a humorous nod to aging)
- My retirement plan is heavily reliant on winning the lottery. My financial advisor calls it “psychic income.” (Sarcastic take on improbable financial planning)
- Never trust a psychic who can’t remember where they put their glasses. They clearly don’t see everything. (Humor in the irony of a forgetful psychic)
- I went to a psychic last week. She told me to avoid negative people. I haven’t seen her since! (Playful jab at psychics giving generic advice)
- My wife says she doesn’t need a psychic. She already knows what I’m thinking. Frankly, that scares me more. (Humorous take on long-term relationships)
- I saw an ad for a psychic who specializes in reincarnation. I’m tempted to call and ask for my money back from the last time. (Playful jab at the cyclical nature of reincarnation beliefs)
- My doctor told me I need to exercise more. Maybe I should get a job as a psychic, then I could just move things with my mind. (Dry humor about finding shortcuts to physical activity)
- I went to a psychic who specialized in reading tea leaves. Turns out, my future is looking rather steeped in uncertainty. (Play on words – “steeped” referring to both tea and a state of being)
- I used to be skeptical about psychics, but then I realized… hey, at least they’re good listeners. (Humorous take on the therapeutic aspect of psychic consultations)
Psychic Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Social Media
- Just saw a psychic battle of the bands. It was an all-out medium clash. 🔮🤘
- Why did the psychic go broke? He could only predict eight out of ten clients correctly. 🤔🔮😂
- My friend says she’s psychic. Personally, I think she’s lying about being clairvoyant. 😏🔮
- Me trying to use my psychic powers to see who likes my Instagram post: 👁️🔮crickets chirping
- Why are psychics bad poker players? They can never keep a straight face. 😂🔮
- My therapist told me to embrace my mistakes. Guess I’m hugging my psychic today. 🤗🔮
- Being a psychic sounds rough. Imagine having insomnia and knowing you were going to have insomnia. 😴🔮😭
- Just found out my psychic isn’t actually psychic. Totally saw that coming. 😎🔮
- A psychic walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We’ve got a drink with your name on it!” The psychic says, “That’s spooky…how’d you know my name was Steve?” 😂🔮
- Never ask a psychic what their superpower is. It’s just awkward when they already know the question and refuse to answer. 🙅♀️🔮
- Psychic to their client: “I see a bright future for you… unfortunately, it’s in someone else’s life.” 😂🔮
- What’s a psychic’s favorite type of tea? Medium blend. ☕️🔮
- Tried to log onto the psychic website, but it said “error 404: Future Not Found.” 💻🔮😂
That’s All Folks! Hope You Saw These Jokes Coming.
We hope these psychic jokes and puns left you feeling clairvoyant with laughter! If you’re still craving more pun-derful humor, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Head over to our website for a treasure trove of jokes that will have you laughing your crystal ball off! 🔮😂