145+ Hand-Picked Jokes & Puns About Hands
π Hey there, humor enthusiasts! Get ready to give your funny bone a high five because we’re about to dive into a treasure chest overflowing with the best hand puns and jokes about hands! π This list of clever and positive quips is perfect for kids and adults alike. So, whether you’re looking for a chuckle or just want some punny entertainment, get ready to “hand”le the laughter! π―
Top ‘Hand Jokes’ – Best Picks
- Why did the clock get a hand transplant? It needed to get a second hand!
- Why did the hand get sent to the principal’s office? For making too many finger guns!
- What do you call a hand that’s always cold? A palm-polar bear!
- Why did the hand go to art school? It wanted to learn how to draw!
- What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!
- What’s a boxer’s favorite type of mail? A fan-mail!
- Why don’t they play cards in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!
- I used to be addicted to hand sanitizerβ¦ but Iβm clean now.
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato!
- I went to a zoo, and they only had one dog… It was a shih tzu!
- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one!
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
- What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells!
- Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!
- I just bought a thesaurus, but all the words are blank! I have no words to describe how angry I am!
- What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
- Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!
- What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!

Clever ‘Hand Puns’ – Best Picks
- I used to be a hand model, but I got caught throwing shade. They said I wasn’t cut out for it.
- Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!
- What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds!
- My friend tried to make a hand-powered helicopter. He went down in flames. Turns out, you need more than just a good spin on things.
- I met a fortune teller who said I have a strong future in farming. She said I have really fertile palms.
- I used to think my clock hated me, but it turns out it was just giving me the cold shoulder. It’s all good now, we’re hand in hand again.
- What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fishβ¦ unless you’re using your hands to make a sandwich!
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field, with a little help from his friends – the hands that planted him!
- Why don’t they have a clock-watching competition? Nobody wants to watch a contest that’s hands-down boring.
- My friend said his carpentry business is going hand over fist. I told him that’s not something to brag about, sounds like he’s losing grip.
- You know what’s handy? A pocket dictionary. Oh, and a spare hand, but thatβs just me being silly.
- Why did the handyman bring colored pencils to every job? He wanted to draw his own conclusions.
- I tried to learn sign language but gave up. It felt like I was just talking to myself, but with extra steps.
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything, even excuses!
- What do you get when you combine a clock and a boxing champion? A knockout timepiece!
- I wanted to organize a thumb-wrestling tournament, but I couldn’t get a grip on the logistics. It was a real missed opportunity.
- What do you call a clock that’s always getting into trouble? A bad influence on the other hands!
- My friend said he was feeling run down. I offered him a ride in my car, but I think he just needed a hand with his problems.
- Why did the clock go to the doctor? It got tic-ked off by a mosquito!
- Why don’t skeletons play music in church? They have no organs, and you need those to lend a hand in praising the Lord!
Funny ‘Hand One-Liner Jokes’ – Short & Funny Hand Jokes
- I tried to explain to my hand model friend why his career was all in vain… he just didn’t want to hear it.
- I met a fortune teller who said my future was “in my hands.” I guess that rules out a career as a surgeon.
- What do you call a hand sanitizer that doesn’t work? A missed opportunity.
- My friend said his new watch was waterproof to 200ft. I asked him what good that would do if his hand fell off at the wrist.
- Why did the clock get its hand stuck in the cookie jar? It was looking for a “time out” treat.
- I told my friend I was going to write a book about all the amazing things I’ve done with my hands. He said he couldn’t wait to not read it.
- Why are hand models so persuasive? They know how to handle themselves.
- I went to a high five party last night… it was amazing! I’ve never seen so many hands in one place before.
- My friend told me he wanted to be a hand model… I told him to try a hand at something more realistic.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field… and probably had a helping hand.
- What do you get when you combine a clock and a boxing ring? A whole lot of knockouts… and a second hand.
- I tried to learn sign language but gave up. It was too much hand-waving for me.
- Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs… and they can’t keep their paws to themselves.
- What’s a clock’s least favorite job? Handing in its notice.
- Never lend a pirate a hand… you might find it hard getting it back.
- I saw a sign that said “Talking Clocks Repaired.” I thought, “They must have their hands full.”
- If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches? And why do tellers always seem to have sticky fingers?
- I’m not sure what’s wrong with my car, but every time I turn the steering wheel, it makes a funny hand gesture.
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything… especially excuses for not washing their hands.
Hand QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Hand
- Q: What do you call a hand that’s always getting into trouble? A: A palm-tician!
- Q: Why did the clock get its hand stuck? A: It reached its breaking point!
- Q: What did the left hand say to the right hand after a fight? A: “I’m gonna need some space.”
- Q: Why did the hand go to art school? A: It wanted to be a master-piece!
- Q: What do you call a lazy kangaroo’s hand? A: A pouch potato!
- Q: What do you get if you cross a hand and a map? A: Palmistry!
- Q: My hand just won an award for cleanliness. A: I bet itβs thrilled to be recognized for its hand-work!
- Q: Why donβt they play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs!
- Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A: In case he got a hole-in-one!
- Q: What does a clock and a family have in common? A: They both have hands, but they canβt clap!
- Q: Why is it so hard to have a conversation with a mime with only one hand? A: It’s hard to listen when someone’s only giving you half the story.
- Q: Why did the hand get a job at the clock factory? A: Because it was always pointing out the time!
- Q: What does a five-fingered, talking hand aspire to be? A: A hand model, of course!
- Q: Why donβt they hire more hands at the second-hand shop? A: Because they’re already fully staffed!
- Q: What happens when two left hands fall in love? A: It’s difficult, they struggle to hold hands!
- Q: Where do fleas learn to jump? A: At flea-market!
- Q: My hand is feeling a bit under the weather. A: Maybe it needs to see a palm reader!
- Q: Why was the hand model’s career short-lived? A: It was caught thumbing a ride!
- Q: What’s a hand’s favorite type of music? A: Anything it can clap along to!
Dad Jokes About Hand: Pun-Filled Quips
- I tried to learn how to play the piano with my hands tied together. You could say I wasnβt very handy at it.
- Why did the clock get a job at the jewelry store? It was really good at using its hands.
- My friend told me he was going to open a restaurant that serves different kinds of hands. I said, “Sounds like a pretty handy business plan.”
- What do you call a clock that canβt tell time underwater? Second hand information.
- I used to be a sculptor who specialized in making hands. But I had to quit, the work was too hand demanding.
- Iβm thinking about opening a bakery inside a haunted house. I’ll call it “Whisky Sour Hands.”
- What do you get if you cross a hand with a cow? A handful of moo-zarella cheese!
- My son asked me what the opposite of a right hand is. I told him, βThe left one, obviously!β
- I saw a guy walking his dog with only one hand. I asked him, “Can you give me a hand?” He said, “No, it’s mine.”
- Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs! You gotta play these things by hand, son.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field… just like you when you lend a hand!
- I went to a fight the other night and a cement mixer collided with a mail truck. It was a very concrete example of why you shouldn’t hand-deliver your mail.
- I went to a zoo with just one dog in it. It was a shih tzu. Talk about a handful!
- I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just sitting there collecting dust, and I needed the extra hand.
- What does obliviousness and a clock have in common? No hands!
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato! Don’t be one, give your mom a hand around the house.
- What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish… and you definitely shouldn’t use your hands to catch one!
- Why is being a pirate so addictive? They say once you lose a hand, you get hooked!
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised… well, I guess it was a bad time to give her a hand.
Hand Jokes and Puns for Kids
- Why did the left hand get in trouble at school? Because it was always getting caught “left-handed”!
- What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds!
- What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter? You think it’s “R,” but it’s really the “C” they can’t find!
- Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was twoTIRED!
- What did one hand say to the other hand when they were lost in the woods? “I’ve got a feeling we’re getting nowhere fast!”
- Where does a snowman keep his money? In a snow bank!
- Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because she was stuffed!
- What has no voice but can still tell you a story? A book!
- Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!
- What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato!
- Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
- What has one head, one foot, and four legs? Your bed!
- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
- What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
- Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey-combs!
- What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!
- What kind of dog does Dracula have? A bloodhound!
Hand Jokes and Puns for Adults
- I told my friend I was writing a novel about a guy with incredibly small hands. He said, “Sounds gripping!”
- Dating a mime is tough. You can never tell if they’re holding your hand or just silently judging your life choices.
- My friend’s a magician. He’s trying to improve his sleight of hand. I told him to keep practicing, and it’ll get out of hand eventually.
- I met a fortune teller who said she saw a lot of money in my future. I guess she didn’t realize I work at a bank…with incredibly sticky fingers.
- My friend’s an expert at palm reading, but he’s terrible at poker. He knows what you have in your hand, just not what to do with it.
- What do you call a hand model with anxiety? A nervous wreck… literally.
- You know you’re getting old when high fives turn into “Please be careful with my hands!”
- I tried to make a hand-crafted clock once, but it never worked. I guess time just wasn’t on my side.
- Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs. And they all have an extra hand.
- What’s the difference between a pianist and a pizza chef? One strokes his instrument to make beautiful music, the other tosses dough.
- My chiropractor is really handsy. But hey, at least he’s got a good grip on things.
- I saw a guy walking his dog. The dog had no front legs. The guy said, “Don’t worry, he’s got it handled.”
- Why don’t surgeons play video games? They get enough hand-eye coordination at work. Plus, the stakes are much lower.
- Why are hand models so persuasive? They’ve got the power of gesture at their fingertips.
- I went to a bar for contortionists last night. The drinks were cheap, but good luck getting the bartender to give you a hand.
- My friend said his new job was “hands-on.” Turns out, he’s a proctologist.
- I told my friend my rock climbing hobby was getting out of hand. He said, “That’s what happens when you don’t use your feet!”
- Why did the clockmaker get fired? He kept getting caught watching the second hand.
- I tried to explain to my friend that “sleight of hand” is a figure of speech. He didn’t get it. Then again, I was picking his pocket at the time.
- Life is like a deck of cards. You never know what hand you’re going to be dealt, but you can always try to bluff your way through it.
Hand Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Other Social Media
- I told my wife her hand-knitted sweaters were amazing. She just gave me the cold shoulder. π₯Ά
- My friend tried to sell me a watch today. He said it was hand-me-down… I think he meant heirloom. βπ€¨
- Why did the clock get a promotion? It worked its way up from the bottom hand! β°β¬οΈ
- What’s a clockmaker’s least favorite thing? A second hand compliment. π°οΈ π¬
- You know, my grandpa was a clockmaker. He really taught me the value of time, and how to handle it. π΄π°οΈ
- My friend’s a mime. He’s got such a great hand for comedy… literally. ππ
- I’m not sure what’s wrong with my car, but the turn signal keeps giving me the high five. βπ
- Never break a promise to a clock. It’s a matter of hand and word. π€β°
- Tried to make a hand-crafted candle today. Turns out, wax is really hard to reason with. π₯π―οΈ
- My friend said I had a talent for massage. I told him, “Hey, I work with what I’ve got…two hands.” πββοΈπββοΈ
- My rock climbing instructor told me to “never let go.” I think he misunderstood when I said I was looking for a low-pressure hobby. π§ββοΈπ§ββοΈπ
- Just bought a new thesaurus. It’s hand-picked, and cover to cover, it’s simply amazing. Oh, and fantastic! And wonderful! Andβ ππ€―
- Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs! ππ
- I’ve been working on my handwriting. I need to get a grip on it. βοΈπͺ
- You can tell a lot about someone by their hands. For example, if they’re holding a hammer, they’re probably about to do some DIY… or they’re Thor. π¨π¦ΈββοΈ
- Dating a hand model now. Things are going well, but they’re moving a little slow. ππ
- I told my friend my hands were freezing. He said, “Well, you should probably put some gloves on then.” I said, “Hey, I’m all ears!” π§€ππ€£
Give These Hand Jokes a Big Hand! π π
We hope these hand-picked puns and jokes left you feeling all right! But the fun doesn’t stop there. Get a gripβ explore our website for a whole lot more hilarious puns and jokes that’ll have you rolling on the floor laughing. You don’t want to miss out!