102+ Massage Jokes & Puns: You’ve Got to Be Kneading These!

Get ready to knead some laughter into your life! πŸ˜‚ This isn’t your average list of jokes – oh no, we’ve hand-picked the best massage puns and humor just for you. Whether you’re a pun aficionado or just looking for some funny anecdotes to share, get ready for some seriously clever wordplay. This list has something for everyone, even kids, so get ready to stretch your funny bone and dive into this hilarious list of massage jokes! πŸ’†β€β™€οΈπŸ€£

Top Massage Jokes – Best Picks

  1. Why did the massage therapist break up with the yoga instructor? Because they couldn’t see eye to eye on the importance of deep tissue!
  2. I tried to get a massage with essential oils, but it was booked. Apparently, it was scent-sational!
  3. Why did the masseuse go to jail? He kneaded too much dough!
  4. You can say I’m addicted to massages… But I can quit anytime I want… I think.
  5. My doctor told me to get a massage twice a week. I told him, “Hey Doc, I’m not made of money!” He said, “Don’t worry, start with your wallet.”
  6. What do you call a massage therapist who can predict the future? A palm reader!
  7. What’s a masseuse’s favorite type of music? Anything with a good rubato!
  8. My massage therapist told me to drink more water after my appointment. I think he was just thirsty for more business.
  9. How can you tell a good massage therapist from a bad one? The good ones leave you feeling relaxed, the bad ones leave you feeling like you need another massage!
  10. I went to a massage therapist and said, “Just give me the usual.” He gave me a weird look and said, “Sir, this is a library.”
  11. What does a king do when he needs a massage? He calls his royal kneader!
  12. Did you hear about the massage therapist who was arrested for stealing credit cards? His business was going down the drain!
  13. What did the left leg say to the right leg when they got a couples massage? “This may sound cheesy, but I feel so connected to you right now.”
  14. My friend said he was going to become a massage therapist, but he rubbed everyone the wrong way. Now he’s back at square one.
  15. Why are ghosts terrible massage therapists? Because they have a real knack for making you feel tense.
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Clever Massage Puns – Top Picks

  1. I knead you in my life. (like “I need you…”)
  2. This massage really helped relieve my tension headache. Now it’s your turn! (Implying passing the headache)
  3. You must be ginger, because you’re really knotty. (Play on ginger ale helping upset stomachs/knots)
  4. I’m not saying I’m amazing at massages, but I do rub people the right way.
  5. I tried to explain to my back why it needed a massage… It just couldn’t understand.
  6. What did the masseuse say when her client was late? I’ve been expecting you. Lie down.
  7. My massage therapist is so good, she can work out knots I didn’t even know I had. Talk about a gut feeling!
  8. Life is like a massage, it’s all about working out the kinks.
  9. Just got a massage with a credit card. I guess you could say I got short-term relief.
  10. What’s a chiropractor’s favorite type of music? Hip-hop!
  11. My friend opened a massage parlor named “The Kneading Zone”. It’s a yeast-free establishment.
  12. I told my massage therapist to go easy on me. I’m not made of dough!
  13. Why did the massage therapist break up with the reflexologist? They couldn’t see eye to foot!
  14. My massage therapist asked me what I do for a living. I said, “I used to be a banker but I lost interest.”
  15. I’m starting a new career as a massage therapist for ghosts. My business cards are specially designed to feel ice cold. Business has been…dead on.
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Funny Massage One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny Massage Jokes

  1. I knead a massage after that workout, my muscles are feeling knotty.
  2. The massage therapist told me to pick a scent, so I said, “Surprise me!” Now I smell like a eucalyptus tree had a baby with lavender.
  3. My bank account after a massage? Flattened… just like my stress levels.
  4. I got a massage with a happy ending… the masseuse said I was her last client of the day!
  5. My massage therapist uses essential oils, but I think he forgot the “essential” part… because my back still hurts!
  6. You know you need a massage when even your cat’s claws feel like heaven.
  7. I tried to explain to my dog that I got a “massage”, not a “mastiff”… he’s still jealous.
  8. My massage therapist is so strong, she could give a ghost a Charley horse.
  9. The only reason I exercise is so I have an excuse to get a massage after.
  10. My definition of a balanced life? A massage in each hand.
  11. Never ask a massage therapist to “work out” your problems… unless you want to hear about their love life for an hour.
  12. Getting a massage is the only time I enjoy being kneaded like dough.
  13. I’m not sure what’s more relaxing: a massage or the blissful silence that follows.
  14. Life is like a massage: it’s all about working out the knots.
  15. I’m at that age where β€œhappy hour” means finding a good discount on a massage.

Massage QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Massage

  1. Q: Why did the massage therapist break up with the yoga instructor? A: They couldn’t see eye to eye on the knead for personal space.
  2. Q: What do you call a massage therapist who can predict the future? A: A palm reader with benefits!
  3. Q: My massage therapist told me to avoid stress by living in the moment. A: I guess the 30-minute massage I paid for wasn’t “living in the moment” enough!
  4. Q: What’s a massage therapist’s favorite musical genre? A: Anything with a good rubato!
  5. Q: Where do stressed-out horses go for relaxation? A: The neigh-borhood spa for a massage, of course!
  6. Q: What do you get when you combine a massage therapist and a gardener? A: Someone who can really work the soil… and your shoulders!
  7. Q: Did you hear about the massage therapist who was also a contortionist? A: They could really bend over backwards for their clients!
  8. Q: I told my massage therapist I was feeling tense and wound up. A: He said, “Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered… in oil!”
  9. Q: Where do ghosts go to get a massage? A: To a medium, of course!
  10. Q: Why did the massage oil get a promotion? A: It was simply out-standing in its field!
  11. Q: Did you hear about the masseuse who was arrested? A: He was charged with battery!

Dad Jokes About Massage: Pun-Filled Quips

  1. I tried to book a massage for my wife’s birthday, but they were all booked. Guess you could say it was a knead-less effort.
  2. My wife asked me to give her a back massage. I said, β€œI can’t, you’re too tense!”
  3. I told my therapist about my gambling addiction. He said, “Let’s address the elephant in the room.” I said, “No, I think a massage will be more relaxing.”
  4. Whenever I see a sign for a “Couples Massage,” I think to myself, “Well, that seems a little kneady.”
  5. My doctor suggested a massage to relieve my stress. I told him, β€œI’ve got enough problems without having to massage them too!”
  6. What do you call a massage therapist who only works on the weekends? A part-time kneader!
  7. My friend opened a massage parlor named “The Pressure Point.” I guess business is really mounting.
  8. I went to a massage therapist who specialized in acupressure. He was truly outstanding in his field.
  9. Went to a massage therapist who used gardening tools. Turns out he specialized in raking it in!
  10. My back was so knotted up, I had to see a massage therapist. He really worked out the kinks… and a twenty dollar tip.
  11. My massage therapist is so good, she can tell what you’re thinking just by touching your back. It’s mind-kneading!
  12. Why did the masseuse get fired? He kept rubbing people the wrong way!
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Massage Jokes and Puns for Kids

  1. Why did the massage therapist go to art school? Because they kneaded to learn about anatomy!
  2. What do you call a snail massage therapist? A slow-touch expert!
  3. My dad says massages are a real rip-off. I told him to relax, he’s just skinned the wrong way!
  4. What did the left hand say to the right hand after the massage? “Man, we really rubbed them the right way!”
  5. Where do sheep go for massages? To the baa-ber shop!
  6. My friend said his back massage felt like magic. I told him, “Well, they do call it a knead-ful thing!”
  7. Why was the massage therapist always tired? They had a rubbish sleep schedule!
  8. My teddy bear loves massages, but only on one condition… It has to be bear hugs only!
  9. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Massage. Massage who? Massage long time, good to see you!
  10. How do trees relax after a long day? They get leaf massages!
  11. What do you call a cat massage therapist? A purr-fessional kneader!
  12. My little sister wanted to give me a massage. I told her it was a sweet thought, but her hands were too small to make an impact!
  13. Why did the massage therapist bring a ladder to work? They heard their client needed some deep tissue work!
  14. What music do massage therapists listen to? Anything that’s relaxing!
  15. Why did the cookie go to the massage therapist? Because it was feeling crumby!

Massage Jokes and Puns for Elders

  1. My doctor said I need to reduce my stress levels. So I took his advice. Now, I get a massage every week… and so does he! We’re both feeling much better. (A little bribe never hurt anyone!)
  2. I told my masseuse to go gentle on me. Apparently, “gentle” is Swedish for “walnut cracker.” (We’ve all been there!)
  3. You know you’re getting old when “happy ending” refers to the pain relief after a good massage. (No more double entendres at this age!)
  4. My wife asked if I preferred a massage with oil or lotion. I told her, “Surprise me, but hide the warranty!” ( Gotta love a senior with a sense of humor!)
  5. Why did the masseuse go to jail? She was charged with assault and battery! ( Classic wordplay, never gets old.)
  6. I used to think my chiropractor was expensive… then I started going to a masseuse who specializes in “trigger point therapy.” Now my wallet needs a massage! ( Specialized services always come with a premium!)
  7. Me: “Doctor, my back is killing me. I can barely turn my head.” Doctor: “Have you tried seeing a chiropractor?” Me: “Nah, I’m holding out for a two-for-one deal on Groupon.” (Frugal and funny!)
  8. My massage therapist said I hold all my tension in my shoulders. I guess that’s why my secret to a long life is bottled up inside me! (The weight of the world… literally!)
  9. I asked for a full-body massage, but the masseuse just rubbed my feet and said, “I know where all the problems are.” Gotta admire her efficiency! ( They know where the pressure points are!)
  10. I went to a new masseuse today. She rubbed me the wrong way at first… but then she apologized and gave me a discount. (A little friction can sometimes lead to savings!)
  11. Retirement is great! I finally have time for all the things I enjoy… like explaining to people why a massage is NOT just an unnecessary luxury. (It’s an investment in health and well-being!)
  12. My doctor told me to find healthy ways to manage my stress. So I took up meditation. After 20 minutes, I realized I was still tense. Then it hit me: I forgot to book the massage! ( Sometimes you just need a professional touch.)
  13. I went to a spa that offered a “Wine Not?” massage package. It included a full-body treatment and a bottle of wine. I opted for the Merlot… because I truly deserved to “rub it in.” (Celebrating self-care, one grape at a time!)
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Massage Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Social Media

  1. My massage therapist told me to find my happy place. I think I left it on the table during my last session. πŸ’†β€β™€οΈ
  2. Just got a massage with essential oils. Now I smell like I robbed a yoga instructor. πŸ™
  3. Me: “I need to find someone who loves me for me.” My massage therapist: “….”
  4. I told my massage therapist to go really deep… Now I owe someone a spelunking permit. πŸ‘·β€β™€οΈ
  5. You know you’ve had a good massage when you can’t tell if you’re relaxed or your cat walked across you. 😹
  6. My masseuse wasn’t very good. She really rubbed me the wrong way. 😠
  7. My bank account after booking a massage: “We’re going to knead to talk about your spending habits.” πŸ’Έ
  8. I finally replaced my old massage oil. It had gone rancid…or as I like to call it, “vintaged”. 🍷
  9. Started a new job as a massage therapist. They say I have a real knack for it. Not to toot my own horn, but beep beep! πŸ˜‰
  10. Life motto: Be the person your dog thinks you are after a belly rub. 🐢
  11. Why did the massage therapist break up with the acupuncturist? They couldn’t see eye to eye. πŸ‘€
  12. “Massage today?” More like “Masseuse-day!” Am I right? … I’ll see myself out. πŸšΆβ€β™€οΈ
  13. Just got a couples massage. Turns out my partner’s back is way less tense than I thought. Suspicious. πŸ€”
  14. My massage therapist asked what I do for a living. I told her I’m a comedian. She said, β€œOh really? I thought you were a masseuse with all that tension!” πŸ˜…

Knead More Laughs? Massage Your Funny Bone!

We knead you to know that this is just the tip of the iceberg (lettuce be real, it’s more like a back rub compared to a full body massage) when it comes to hilarious puns! For more side-splitting wordplay and knee-slapping jokes, rub shoulders with the other pun enthusiasts on our website. You’ll be feeling relaxed and rejuvenated in no thyme!

Rabia Noreen & Team

Rabia Noreen: The Punnovator

Hi, I'm Rabia, the lead punster behind PunnyHub.com, alongside my incredible team. With a background in Comparative Literature, I specialize in turning phrases and crafting chuckles. My team and I are committed to delivering humor that not only entertains but enlightens. Every post we share is designed to sprinkle your day with laughter and a dash of wit. Find your Best Puns & Jokes.

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