93+ Literal Puns & Jokes: You Won’t Believe These Aren’t Literal!
Get ready to laugh your socks off… literally! 🧦😂 This list of literal puns and jokes about all things literal is the best medicine for a case of the Mondays, or any day, really! We’ve got humor so funny, it’s practically illegal (don’t worry, it’s not). And the best part? These puns are clever enough to impress your friends, but easy enough for kids to enjoy too! Get ready for a list of side-splitting wordplay, where everything is taken very literally… you’ve been warned! 😉
Top Literal Jokes – Best Picks
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up literally everything!
Someone threw a bottle of shampoo at me. I’m not sure what they were trying to imply, but I’m literally washing my hair with it now.
I just got fired from my job at the bank. Apparently, my position was considered “literally immaterial.” Guess they weren’t kidding about that whole “money talks” thing.
My friend told me to embrace my mistakes. I’m literally hugging the typo I made in this sentence.
I just took a job at a paperless office. Everything is digital. On my first day, I literally had no idea what to do with my hands.
You know what they say about cliffhangers? They’re literally on the edge of your seat!
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved, literally!
I used to be addicted to soap. But I’m clean now, literally.
My friend told me to “take a seat.” So I literally grabbed a chair and walked away.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny, literally!
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m fine, but I feel like I’ve literally dyed a little inside.
Clever Literal Puns – Best Picks
I opened a library that’s literally underground. It’s been a huge undertaking.
Why did the literalist become a gardener? They heard money doesn’t grow on trees, so they wanted to see for themselves.
I started a band called “Literal Meaning”. We’re pretty good, but we haven’t gotten signed yet. Apparently, record labels hate our music literally.
Just took a course on how to understand literal language. I passed it word for word.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny…literally.
I went to a literal “roast” for my friend’s birthday. They weren’t happy about the BBQ surprise.
My new job has me climbing the walls. I’m a literally employed house painter.
A robber broke into my house last night and demanded I give him all my valuables. I told him, “Hold on, I’m literally broke!”
Just got back from a literal blind date. Turns out, love really is blind.
The comedian bombed at his show. The audience literally threw tomatoes at him. I guess you could say…he had a smashing time?
I was invited to a painting party, but I took it literally. Apparently, showing up with buckets of Behr wasn’t the vibe.
Funny Literal One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny Literal Jokes
I told my friend she was taking everything too literally, and she said, “No, I’m not!”
A robber held me up at gunpoint and demanded I give him everything in my pockets. So I gave him my literal pocket lint. He seemed confused.
Someone asked me to name two days of the week that start with the letter “Y”. I said, “Today and Yesterday.” They said, “No, literally.” I said, “Okay, literally ‘Today’ and literally ‘Yesterday’.”
My friend told me to take my job seriously. So I took it to a comedy club. Apparently, that wasn’t what they meant by “literally”.
Autocorrect can be so annoying. Just the other day, it literally changed “literally” to “literally”.
I used to be addicted to soap operas, but I’m clean now. Literally.
My friend is writing a book about literal interpretations. Apparently, it’s going to be very straightforward.
My boss said if I don’t meet my deadline, I’m fired. I told him not to worry, I’m not very flammable.
I asked my friend how his new job at the bank was going, and he said “It’s literally robbing me of my free time”. Now I’m concerned.
Literal QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Literal
Q: Why did the literal person take everything at face value? A: Because they refused to look beneath the surface!
Q: How do you describe a literal person’s music taste? A: They only listen to genres that literally rock.
Q: What do you call a literal thief disguised as a painter? A: A brush with the law, quite literally!
Q: Why don’t literal people understand sarcasm? A: Because they take everything you say at face value… and cash it in at the bank!
Q: What do you get when you cross a literal person with a dictionary? A: I don’t know, but you can bet they’ll tell you the exact definition!
Q: How do you confuse a literal person in a furniture store? A: Ask them to find the ottoman empire.
Q: Where do literal people go on vacation? A: Times Square! They love watching the minutes pass literally.
Q: Why did the literal person get lost in the library? A: They took the phrase “lost in a book” a little too literally.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award? A: Because he was outstanding in his field, literally!
Q: What do you call a literal person’s stand-up comedy show? A: A dry recitation of facts. They’re literally not joking.
Q: How do you describe a literal person’s love life? A: Black and white. They see everything as very literal.
Q: Why did the literal person fail their driving test? A: They refused to take any turns.
Q: How do you compliment a literal person’s cooking? A: “This tastes exactly like food should!”
Q: Why are literal people terrible gamblers? A: They break the bank… literally!
Q: What do you call a literal person who’s also a musician? A: A “one-track” mind, but they prefer the term “single”.
Dad Jokes About Literal: Pun-Filled Quips
Have you heard the saying “take it literally?” Yeah, I wouldn’t either, that would be kidnapping.
What do you get when you take everything literally? A very confused dog.
I once met a guy who took everything literally. I told him to “break a leg” before his performance. The paramedics were not amused.
A dictionary factory caught fire last night… Literally hundreds of words were lost.
My son asked me for a “high five” but he’s only three feet tall! I guess I’ll have to give him a literal high five.
My wife told me to “go to hell,” so I packed my bags. Apparently, I was supposed to interpret that figuratively, not literally.
Apparently, you can’t use “beef and iron” in a sentence literally. I tried explaining it’s just how I like my steak, but they still looked at me weird.
My wife told me to sync my phone to the Bluetooth speaker… so I threw it in the pool. It didn’t work.
My friend said he was feeling “under the weather”. So I checked under my car. He wasn’t there. Weird.
Literal Jokes and Puns for Kids
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs! (Get it? They cheat!)
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato!
My friend said his robot dog wanted to be a real boy. I told him that was a bit far-fetched!
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What’s a tornado’s favorite game to play? Twister!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed!
Where do fleas go for vacation? Search me!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!
Literal Jokes and Puns for Elders
My doctor told me to take my medication literally. Now I’m in serious trouble with the pharmacist. (Plays on the absurdity of following medical instructions too literally)
I tried to explain to my grandkids that “lit” is slang for “amazing.” They looked at me like I had literally lost my mind. (Generational humor, highlighting slang differences)
Retirement is great. I finally have time to pursue my literal passions: sleeping, eating, and complaining about the thermostat. (Self-deprecating humor about aging and retirement)
My friend said his new apartment is “literally” the size of a shoebox. I told him he was exaggerating, but then I saw the rent. (Urban life and real estate humor, playing on hyperbole)
My grandkids keep asking me to tell them a story about the “literal” good old days. But then they get bored when I talk about rotary phones and dial-up internet. (Nostalgia vs. reality, poking fun at technological advancement)
I used to think “literally” meant “figuratively.” Turns out, I was literally wrong this whole time. (Wordplay, poking fun at misunderstandings and evolving language)
I asked the librarian for books on “literal” interpretations of Shakespeare. She brought me a dictionary. (Dry humor, playing on the contrast of literal meanings and literary analysis)
My spouse and I are celebrating our 50th anniversary. He’s the only one who can literally tolerate me at this point. (Marriage humor, celebrating longevity and poking fun at familiarity)
Aging is not for the faint of heart. It is, however, literally for everyone, so we might as well laugh about it. (Concluding with a universal truth and encouraging a humorous outlook on life and aging)
Literal Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Social Media
My friend said he wanted to fight me “literally.” I told him to pick a font, any font. 🥊 #PickAFight #FontsMatter
My doctor told me to take my medication “literally.” Now I don’t know what to do with all these quotation marks. 💊 #MedicalAdvice #Confused
I tried to explain to my dog that my love for her is “literal.” She just wagged her tail and licked my face. I guess that’s a yes? 🐶 #DogLove #LiteralAffection
Just saw a sign that said “Road Closed.” Disappointed, but I turned around. Guess I’m too literal for spontaneous adventures. 🚧 #Detour #LiteralSigns
Date night got awkward when I told her she “literally” took my breath away. EMTs said not to use that phrase again. ❤️ #BadRomance #LiteralDates
Someone asked me to bring “literal” buckets of sunshine to the party. One trip to Home Depot and now they think I’m a magician. ☀️ #PartyTricks #LiteralSunshine
Tried to pay rent with “literal” Monopoly money. My landlord wasn’t amused. Guess I’m going to jail? 💸 #LandlordProblems #LiteralRent
My boss told me to think “outside the box.” Now I’m sitting in the parking lot. Pretty sure this isn’t what he meant. 📦 #LiteralInstructions #OfficeLife
Just ordered a book called “How to Understand Sarcasm.” I’m hoping it’s not too literal. 🙄 #SarcasmFontNeeded #LiteralBooks
Please hold your applause. “Literally,” just hold it in your hands. I want to see what it looks like. 👏 #LiteralApplause #HoldItRightThere
Literally Pun-derful! Thanks for the Read-iculous Time!
We hope these literal puns didn’t go over your head! If you enjoyed this figurative buffet of wordplay, we have a whole library of hilarious puns and jokes for you to explore. So don’t take this literally, but our website is a treasure chest overflowing with comedic gold!
