140+ Marriage Puns & Jokes: Say “I Do” to Laughter!
Hold onto your veils and boutonnières, because you’re about to dive into the best medicine for a chaotic marriage: laughter! 😂 This isn’t your average, cheesy wedding toast material – we’re talking a curated list of clever puns and side-splitting jokes about marriage. Get ready for some seriously funny humor – perfect for sharing with your significant other or even for kids to enjoy (with adult supervision, of course!). Let’s be honest, a little laughter is the secret ingredient to a happy marriage! 😉 Get ready to giggle – it’s about to get punny! 🎉
Top ‘Marriage Jokes’ – Best Picks
- Why did the marriage license go to the bank? To get its “certificate of deposit” 😂
- What do you call a wedding ring that can talk? A “ring-bearer” of good news! 😉
- I put a wedding ring on a calendar… Now I have a “date” I can’t get rid of! 😩😂
- My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So I took it to a movie and dinner. Now I’m married! 🕷️💍
- Wife: “Honey, do you think I’ll lose weight once we’re married?” Husband: “Well, you’ll lose at least one ring size!” 💍🤭
- Why did the wedding cake go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby! 🎂😭
- My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. Instead, I gave her superglue. She’s still not talking to me! 🤐😂
- What does a nosey pepper do at a wedding? It gets jalapeno business! 🌶️😂
- Love is a mutual understanding. Marriage is a mutual misunderstanding you vow to never understand. 🤷♀️🤷♂️
- What happens when you marry a beekeeper? You get a honey-moon that lasts a lifetime! 🍯🌙
- Wife: “Honey, this dress makes me look fat, doesn’t it?” Husband: “No, the magnifying glass does.” 🔍😂
- Why did the math book propose to the dictionary? Because he knew they could have a well-defined relationship! 📚❤️
- My wife told me to embrace my mistakes… So I hugged her! 🤗😂
- Someone stole my wedding ring! I’m not sure what I’m more upset about: the theft, or the fact that someone wanted a used one. 💍😭😂
- Why do husbands forget everything? Because they’ve installed a new program called ‘Wife 1.0’ and it has no history! 💻😂
- Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers! 😭😭😭 (Okay, that one was just bad.)
- Why do married couples look alike? They’ve been through the same ordeal! 😂
- Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park! 🦖😂
- Before marriage, you talk and talk and talk. After marriage, you learn the art of sign language! 🤫😂
Clever ‘Marriage Puns’ – Best Picks
- Marri-aging Like Fine Wine: I thought marriage would be hard, but it turns out it just gets better with time. You could say we’re marri-aging like fine wine!
- From “Me” to “We”: Marriage is about transforming “me” into “we,” and honestly, “we” need to work on our communication skills!
- The Marriage-Go-Round: People warned me marriage was a roller coaster. Turns out, it’s more like a merry-go-round – going round and round the same issues!
- Marri-Adjustment Period: They say the first year of marriage is the hardest. Clearly, they haven’t seen my husband try to fold a fitted sheet. Now that’s a marri-adjustment period!
- License to Grill: My wife thinks marriage is about compromise. I just think she gave me a license to grill whenever I want.
- “I Do” or “I Dough?”: I thought marriage was about love, but after seeing the price of wedding cakes, it feels more like “I dough?”
- From Miss to Mrs. to… Mystery Solver: I used to think finding a husband was the hard part. Turns out, it’s figuring out where he left his car keys every morning!
- Marri-age is Just a Number: That is, until you forget your anniversary and suddenly your age doesn’t matter anymore.
- The Ultimate “Blind Date” Success Story: Marriage: When a blind date goes so well you decide to keep seeing them for the rest of your life.
- Marri-age: A Relationship with a 50% Survival Rate: We’re celebrating our anniversary, which means we’re beating the odds!
- Happily Ever After… Eventually: We’re living proof that even with a few disagreements (okay, maybe more than a few), “happily ever after” is possible… eventually.
- Marri-age: Proof You Can Pick Up Anything When You’re In Love: Like, literally, I’m always picking up his dirty socks.
- From Vows to Wowzers! We went from “for richer or poorer” to “wowzers, honey, did we really spend that much on groceries?”
- Marriage: The Only Ship That Sinks From Over-Looking Things: Mainly dirty dishes and unfolded laundry.
- “I Do” and “I Do the Dishes” – Not Quite the Same Ring to It: I’m pretty sure there was some fine print in those vows about dishwashing duties.
- Marri-age: Where “Netflix and Chill” Turns into “Which One of Us is Folding Laundry While We Watch TV?”
- From “Will You Marry Me?” to “Will You Take Out the Trash?”: The evolution of romance.
- The Couple That Laughs Together, Stays Together… … Unless they’re laughing at each other’s cooking. Then it’s a toss-up.
- Marri-age: It’s Not About Avoiding Arguments, It’s About Perfecting Your Apology Afterward. Bonus Pun: Marriage: It’s a marathon, not a sprint… so I’m taking a nap.
Funny ‘Marriage One-Liner Jokes’ – Short & Funny Marriage Jokes
- Marriage is a lot like a root canal – you don’t need it to survive, but once you get one, it sure changes how you chew things over.
- I entered the “Happiest Married Couple” contest…didn’t win, but we got a participation trophy for showing up separately.
- They say marriage is all about give and take. I seem to have given all I had and he’s still taking.
- My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it…so I took it to a movie and dinner. Now I’m married to the spider.
- My wife asked me, “What’s the one thing you’d change about our wedding day?” I said, “My vows.”
- Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown adult who can legally drive you crazy.
- My wife dresses to kill…and she cooks the same way.
- Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
- Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
- Marriage is a workshop…where the husband works and the wife shops.
- My wife told me she needed more space… so I locked her out of the spaceship.
- Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right, and the other one is the husband.
- Some people ask the secret to our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant twice a week. Candlelight, soft music, lovely atmosphere… She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Marriage is about compromise, which is why I let my wife have the last word…in 1998.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- I never knew what true happiness was until I got married…then it was too late.
- Getting married is easy. Staying married? Now that’s a story for my stand-up routine.
- Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint…especially if you forgot the anniversary gift.
- “Til death do us part” is a pretty long time, especially if the in-laws visit often.
Marriage QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Marriage
- Q: What’s the most important ingredient in a successful marriage? A: “Love,” said the hopeless romantic. “A good lawyer,” whispered the realist.
- Q: Did you hear about the couple who finished each other’s sentences at their wedding vows? A: Apparently, they were perfectly matched… grammatically.
- Q: Why did the wedding cake chase the bride? A: Because it was tiered of her running away!
- Q: What do you call a wedding ring made of GPS trackers? A: A commitment device.
- Q: Why did the groom bring a ladder to the wedding? A: He heard marriage was about reaching new heights!
- Q: Why was the wedding dress always smiling? A: It knew it was about to have a happy ending! (Get it? A “train” on a dress…)
- Q: Why are husbands like lawnmowers? A: They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don’t even work.
- Q: What’s the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener.
- Q: How can you make sure your wife listens to you on your anniversary? A: Talk in your sleep… about jewelry.
- Q: Why do some couples go to the gym on their wedding anniversary? A: To work on their “years of strength” training.
- Q: Did you hear about the claustrophobic couple who eloped? A: They said they couldn’t stand the thought of a big wedding.
- Q: What do you call a couple who are always arguing about their wedding photos? A: Shutter-ly incompatible.
- Q: Why did the accountant break up with the calculator before their wedding day? A: He said she was too calculating!
- Q: Why is a marriage like a workshop? A: The husband is the tool, and the wife… holds all the power.
- Q: What do you call a wedding reception with no music? A: An awkward silence with cake.
- Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award for being a great husband? A: Because he was outstanding in his field!
- Q: Why did the wife always carry a glue stick in her purse? A: Just in case she needed to fix her marriage on the go.
- Q: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants to his wedding? A: In case he got a hole-in-one… and needed to celebrate with a celebratory jig!
Dad Jokes About Marriage: Pun-Filled Quips
- My wife wanted a big wedding ceremony with all the carriage… I told her, “Let’s just elope, it’s less carriage and more courage.”
- Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
- You know, marriage is a lot like baking a cake… Sometimes, it’s all about the meringue.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, “Something with a lot of carriage.” So I got her a parking ticket.
- What do you call a fake wedding ring? A marriage-mirage.
- My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So, I took it to a movie and dinner. It seemed like the marriage-able thing to do.
- I put the “romance” in “homeowner’s insurance.” My wife says it’s more like the “mortgage.”
- They say marriage takes work. My wife must think I’m allergic – I break out in a sweat just seeing a chore list.
- My wife said she wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary. I took her to the gas station!
- Marriage is about give and take. I mostly give, and she mostly takes.
- My wife asked me to sync our phones. Now we argue in stereo.
- I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” She said, “Somewhere I’ve never been!” So, I suggested the kitchen.
- Marriage is all about compromise. For example, I wanted a sports car, she wanted a minivan. Now, we have a minivan with racing stripes.
- She’s the “better half” of this marriage. I’m not sure what that makes me… the “bitter” half?
- My wife asked me to pass the love. So, I tossed her the remote and kept watching the game.
- Marriage is a lot like a phone call… If it’s good, it seems short. If it’s bad, it seems like it lasts forever!
- What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
- I’m not saying the marriage is tough, but our wedding cake is still in better shape.
Marriage Jokes and Puns for Kids
- Why did the teddy bear say no to marriage? Because he was already stuffed with love!
- What did the ocean say to the beach at their wedding? I’m shore glad to be marrying you!
- Why did the cake get married? Because it found the perfect batter half!
- What do you call a bee’s wedding? A honey-moon!
- Why is it so great to be married to a baker? They’ll always sweeten your day!
- What happens when a penguin gets married? They get wed-dell-ly, wed-dell-ly excited!
- Why did the tomato turn red at the wedding? It saw the salad dressing!
- What do you call two bananas on their wedding day? A happy bunch!
- What does a computer do at a wedding? It passes the gigabyte!
- Why don’t they let math books get married? They’re always arguing over who has the better problems!
- What did the flower girl say when she spilled petals at the wedding? Oopsie-daisy!
- Why did the juice box skip the wedding? It couldn’t find its straw-berry!
- What did the cloud wear to the wedding? A veil of white mist!
- What do you get if you cross a wedding and a hurricane? A big day you’ll never forget…even if you wanted to!
- Why did the snowman want to get married in the winter? He wanted a white wedding!
- What kind of music do they play at monster weddings? Something you can really boogie to!
- Where did the cheese go on its honeymoon? To Niagra Falls!
- Why is it hard to be in a relationship with a pie? They’re always deserting you!
- Why did the picture go to jail after the wedding? It was framed!
- What happens when two clocks get married? They have their time together!
Marriage Jokes and Puns for Adults
- Marriage is a lot like a root canal, isn’t it? You go in expecting a piece of cake, and come out realizing you’ve signed away your life savings for something that throbs constantly.
- Why is marriage called “holy matrimony”? Because after a while, you’ll be praying for a miracle.
- My wife wanted a wedding that was unforgettable. So I married her in Vegas… by Elvis… twice. Now she’ll never forget who to blame.
- Marriage is all about give and take. I give the directions, and she takes the scenic route.
- I put the “ow” in “vow.” Get it? Because marriage is hard? No? Just me? Okay.
- Someone asked me what the secret to a long and happy marriage is. I told them, “Two words: Separate bathrooms.”
- Wife: “Honey, do you think I’ll lose weight once we’re married?” Husband: “Well, you’ll definitely lose your ring size.”
- My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I accidentally gave her the superglue. I guess we’ll see who laughs last… or ever again.
- Marriage is a lot like a fine wine. It starts off sweet and intoxicating, then slowly turns into something you use to clean the grout.
- My therapist told me I need to be more open and honest with my wife. So last night, I told her she was right all along. It didn’t go over well.
- What do you call a husband who helps around the house? A miracle.
- Our marriage counselor suggested we try role-playing to spice things up. Now I’m stuck being “the responsible one” for the rest of our lives.
- Why did the wedding cake get a divorce from the wedding ring? Because the ring said, “I do,” but the cake realized it couldn’t even.
- My wife is an angel. A vengeful, sleep-deprived angel wielding a rolling pin, but an angel nonetheless.
- My wife said she wanted a diamond ring that fell from the sky. So I threw a rock at her head. Apparently, that wasn’t what she meant.
- The difference between a wedding and a funeral? At a funeral, at least you know everyone is already dead inside.
- A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. And occasionally forgetting why you swore you’d never let them sleep again.
- They say the first year of marriage is the hardest. My wife just told me to hold her beer – we’re only on month six.
Marriage Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Other Social Media
- Just saw a sign that said “Marriage Counselor.” I thought, “Well, that’s a weird name for a divorce lawyer.” 😜
- Wife: “Honey, after 10 years, don’t you think you should know the difference between ‘Yes dear’ and ‘No dear’?” Husband: “What are you talking about? I’m happily marriaged.” 💍
- I put my wife’s wedding dress back on a mannequin. Now it’s a scarecrow for unwanted suitors. 😎
- Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park! 🦖
- My wife wanted a wedding that was unforgettable. So, I invited all her exes. 😈 (Just kidding, honey!)
- They say love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opening ceremony. 👀
- My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So I took it to a movie. It’s our second date and I think this is going somewhere. 🕷️❤️
- Wife: “Remember when you used to hold my hand all the time?” Husband: “Of course, I do!” intensely grips the TV remote 🎮
- Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade. ♣️♠️
- What do you call a cat that loves attending weddings? A purr-petual bachelor! 😹
- Me before marriage: “I’ll do anything to make you happy.” Me after marriage: “Please, just pick one thing and I’ll consider it.” 😅
- My wife wanted a big, fairytale wedding. So I married a giant ogre. Problem solved. 🧌 (Please don’t show her this!)
- You know you’re in a solid marriage when “Date night” just means you get to use the fancy plates. 🍽️
- Marriage is about finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 🥰
- Wife: “I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!” Husband: “Sounds like our wedding vows.” 📚
- They say marriage is a partnership. Apparently, my partner specializes in sleeping and leaving socks on the floor. 🧦😴
- My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I accidentally gave her the superglue. Now she’s speechless. And I’m hiding. 🤫
- My therapist told me to embrace my mistakes. I think I’ll go give my spouse a hug. 🤗
- Marriage is a lot like learning a new language. You’re fluent in “I love you,” but struggle with “It’s my turn to empty the dishwasher.” 🗣️ Remember to adapt the tone and humor to your specific audience!
Marry Off Into the Punset!
We hope these marriage puns and jokes have left you feeling all giddy and slightly more committed to laughter! Don’t forget to explore our website for more hilarious puns and jokes that are guaranteed to make you the “funniest” spouse, friend, or officiant around (though, hopefully not during the ceremony, unless awkward silences are part of the vows).
