102+ Divorce Jokes & Puns: Splitting Sides, Not Hairs
π Ready for some laughs that are anything but child support? π Dive into this hilarious list of divorce jokes and puns β they’re the best medicine for a broken heart (or maybe just a broken vow). This ain’t no judge’s chambers, folks, so get ready for some seriously clever humor. π― Kids, get your giggles out elsewhere, ’cause these zingers are for grown-ups who appreciate a good marriage…dissolution joke! π
Top Divorce Jokes – Best Picks
- Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it!
- What’s the leading cause of divorce in ancient Egypt? A river Nile-ing their relationship.
- I told my wife she’s drawing her eyebrows on too high. She seemed surprised.
- My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So I took it to a movie. We’re divorced now, but at least the spider’s in a better place.
- Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one (and needed to see his lawyer).
- What do you call a lawyer who specializes in divorce? A heartbreaker with a briefcase.
- My ex-wife still misses me… But her aim is getting better!
- Marriage is like a bank account: You put it in, you take it out, and then you get hit with overdraft fees.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. “A divorce,” she said. “I’m not wrapping that!” I replied.
- I almost got a divorce because I left the toilet seat up. My wife tried to flush me down the toilet, but I managed to escape. Now, that’s what I call a brush with death!
- She threw a bottle of fabric softener at me as I left. That’s the coldest sheβs ever been.
- My divorce was so amicable, we’re still arguing over who gets custody of the imaginary friend.
- My ex-wife wanted me to take the trash out. I told her I already took the trash out when I married her.

Clever Divorce Puns – Best Picks
- They say absence makes the heart grow fonder… guess my ex-spouse and I took it way too literally.
- My lawyer told me to take the high road during my divorce. I still haven’t found it, but at least my car insurance went down.
- Our marriage counselor suggested we try separate vacations. Turns out, we were both really good at it.
- My divorce was so messy, even our wedding cake refused to come down our sides.
- I used to believe in ’til death do us part.’ Now I’m a firm believer in ’til divorce do us a favor.’
- My ex wanted half of everything in the divorce. I guess that’s why they took all the left shoes.
- What’s the difference between a good divorce lawyer and a bad divorce lawyer? A bad divorce lawyer might drag your case out for years. A good one knows how to make it last even longer.
- They say love is blind, but divorce is a real eye-opener.
- My divorce went through faster than a roll of toilet paper during a pandemic.
- I’m not saying my ex is cheap, but for Valentine’s Day, they gave me back my half of the towel.
- My ex-spouse wanted to stay friends after the divorce. I told them I only associate with happy couples.
- I’m starting to think “for better or for worse” should be an optional clause you initial on the marriage certificate.
- Marriage is a beautiful journey. Divorce is just getting off at the scenic overlook and tossing your baggage in the canyon.
- The hardest part about divorce? Splitting the cats. They’re still fighting over who gets custody of me.
Funny Divorce One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny Divorce Jokes
- My wife told me she needed more space… so I locked her outside on the balcony! Guess that means we’re divorce-bound to happen.
- My divorce was so amicable, we went to Hawaii afterwards. Me, my ex, and her new husband. It was a honeymoon/divorcemoon!
- Couples therapy is expensive, man. You know what’s cheaper? Divorce, then therapy.
- They say love is a battlefield… but divorce? Divorce is the loot box you unlock afterwards.
- My ex-wife said I was immature. I told her to go find an adult bookstore, maybe they have a “Divorce For Dummies” section.
- Our marriage counselor suggested we try role-playing. I immediately yelled, “I want a divorce!” I guess I’m not very good at it.
- After the divorce, I got the house. She got the kids. I guess you could say we’re both single parents now, with very different real estate portfolios.
- My friend asked if I was okay after my divorce. I said, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Now he’s worried I haven’t processed the divorce-aster yet.
- They say with marriage, you get a partner in crime. Does that mean with divorce, you get a “get out of jail free” card? Asking for a friend.
- My lawyer told me to be prepared for anything during the divorce proceedings. So I showed up in full battle armor, just in case things got divorce-y.
- My ex-wife took everything in the divorce: the house, the car, the dog. The only thing she left me was this divorce-themed stand-up routine.
- Marriage is a journey, they say. Divorce? That’s the express lane, straight outta there!
- I asked my lawyer, “What are the chances of getting my dog back in the divorce?” He said, “Ruff.” It was the first time I laughed during the entire divorce-ordeal.
- Getting a divorce is like going to the dentist. Nobody wants to go, itβs expensive, and itβs usually caused by someone not flossing. But hey, at least with divorce, you get to keep your teeth.
Divorce QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Divorce
- Q: Why did the divorce lawyer bring a ladder to court? A: He heard his client’s case was going to be a “split-level” argument.
- Q: What’s the leading cause of divorce in long-term marriages? A: Vows. Turns out, most are actually “vow-broken.”
- Q: Why did the judge tell the divorcing couple to stand apart? A: He wanted to split the “difference” of opinion.
- Q: Why did the lawyer advise the husband to leave the house to his wife? A: “Because,” he whispered, “divorce is much cheaper than alimony.”
- Q: What’s the difference between love and divorce? A: Love is blind, divorce is eye-opening.
- Q: What do you call a divorce lawyer who’s really bad at their job? A: A weapon of mass reunion.
- Q: Why did the husband bring a calculator to the divorce proceedings? A: He was trying to figure out how much his ex-wife was worth. Turns out, a “net” loss.
- Q: What do you call a couple who’s always on the verge of divorce? A: Legally separated at birth.
- Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because itβs worth it.
- Q: What music do lawyers listen to during a divorce case? A: “Single Ladies” by BeyoncΓ©.
- Q: How can you tell if someone’s going through a divorce? A: Don’t worry, they’ll tell you. Repeatedly.
- Q: Why do golfers often get divorced? A: They think their wives are trying to “club” them.
- Q: What happens when a baker gets divorced? A: They split the dough and the kids get the custody crumbs.
- Q: What’s the one thing both sides of a divorce case agree on? A: That the lawyer will be the only one laughing all the way to the bank.
Dad Jokes About Divorce: Pun-Filled Quips
- Why did the lawyer bring a ladder to the divorce mediation? They heard the couple was splitting assets on another storey.
- I told my buddy, “Divorce is expensive!” He said, “Yeah, it’s a real wife off your finances!”
- My buddy’s going through a divorce. He gets the house, but she gets the car. That’s what I call an auto-matic win for her.
- Heard about the baker who specialized in divorce cakes? They were split-level masterpieces.
- What did the ocean say to the beach when things got rough? “Looks like it’s time for a tide-vorce.”
- Marriage is a beautiful bond. Divorce is what happens when someone bonds all your assets.
- Why are divorces so expensive? Because they’re worth a lot.
- Did you hear about the couple that argued over who loved the dog more? It was a real custody battle.
- Whatβs the leading cause of divorce in long-term marriages? Usually, it’s the vows.
- My buddyβs wife asked him to pass the salt. He said, βNa, I think we are past that stage now.β
- Why is divorce so much like a root canal? Because in both cases, you lose something you never really wanted to pay for in the first place.
- I told my friend, “Man, your divorce went through quickly.” He said, “Yeah, it was practically un-wed-locked speed!β
- What do you call a happy couple who never argues? A myth.
Divorce Jokes and Puns for Kids
- Why did the family get a bigger house? Because they were tired of living in squars!
- What did the dad say when he realized he packed the wrong lunchbox? “Well, this is awkward-sauce!”
- Why is it fun to tell secrets on a trampoline? Because you get a bounce-back!
- What does a house wear? Ad-dress!
Divorce Jokes and Puns for Elders
- My friend got a divorce because their communication was so bad. Apparently, yelling “You’re standing on my last nerve!” doesn’t count as meaningful conversation.
- Why did the elderly couple go to court to divide up their medications? Because they were going through a “pill-imony” settlement.
- My wife said she’s leaving me because I’m too immature. Well, at least someone’s enjoying my second childhood!
- I told my therapist my wife and I are working on our communication issues. He said, “Great! What have you learned so far?” I said, “Well, apparently ‘goodbye forever’ wasn’t the romantic gesture she was hoping for.”
- The secret to a good marriage? Low expectations and a good lawyer.
- My divorce went through quicker than I expected. I guess my marriage really was on the rocks.
- You know you’re getting old when “getting lucky” means finding your reading glasses.
- My friend asked me if I was sad about my divorce. I said, “No, I’m just disappointed it didn’t happen sooner.”
- Why are older couples less likely to get divorced? Because at their age, they know murder is cheaper and quieter. (Just kidding… mostly.)
- They say marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Guess I hit the wall… and then drove right through it.
- Getting back into the dating pool after divorce is terrifying. The last time I was single, disco was king and dinosaurs still roamed the earth.
- My ex-wife took everything in the divorce… even my therapist! Now I have no one to complain to about my ex-wife taking everything in the divorce.
- Why did the senior citizen refuse to marry his girlfriend? Because he didn’t want to be part of a “merger” at his age, he preferred to stay “independent.”
- Getting a divorce is like getting hit by a bus. It’s painful and unexpected, but at least you have a chance to put your life back together again.
Divorce Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Social Media
- My friend asked if I was okay after my divorce. I said, “I’m feeling very single-use right now.”
- It’s hard to explain my parents’ divorce to my kids. Apparently, “irreconcilable differences” sounds a lot like “mommy liked to sing along to Nickelback.”
- My lawyer said my divorce would be quick and easy. He wasn’t lyingβ¦ I’m the one who made it difficult by marrying a magician. Now everything’s disappearing!
- What’s the leading cause of divorce in long-term relationships? A husband who forgets thingsβ¦ and a wife who doesn’t. π
- Breaking news! Local couple divorces on grounds of “extreme incompatibility.” Apparently, she’s lactose intolerant and he’s a cheesy pickup line enthusiast.
- My divorce lawyer was incredibly thorough. He even took the time to divide my wife’s student loans equally between us. What a pal! π
- You know you’re headed for divorce when “Netflix and chill” turns into “court date and despair.”
- Marriage is a lot like a root canal. You don’t need it if you take care of yourself. And if you don’t, it’s gonna hurt like hell. π¦· π¬
- They say the first year of marriage is the hardest. Guess I’m in for a breeze then, considering ours lasted six months! π
- What do you call a happy, carefree single person? Divorced.
- Marriage is a lot like a public restroom. Those waiting outside can’t wait to get in, and those inside can’t wait to get out.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award for his marriage? Because he was outstanding in his field! Until the divorceβ¦ then he was just outstanding. πΎ
- What does a computer and a bad marriage have in common? They both end in separation of assets.
- My divorce went through quicker than Amazon Prime. Now that’s what I call convenient uncoupling! π¦
- Just saw my ex-wife at the grocery store. Turns out love may fade, but the awkward small talk in the frozen food aisle will last forever.
Splitting? These Puns Are Still Together!
Well, that was a whirlwind of marital mirth! If these divorce jokes and puns left you wanting more laughs (and let’s be honest, who doesn’t want more laughs?), then head over to our punny website. We promise, it’s a commitment you won’t want to break off!