145+ Drinking Puns & Jokes To Quench Your Thirst For Humor
🍻 Get ready to laugh your water bottle out! 😂 This isn’t grape juice we’re serving up today, folks. It’s a mega-list of the best drinking puns and jokes about drinking that are sure to tickle your funny bone. Don’t worry, these jokes are totally kid-friendly 🧒 (unless you spike their juice boxes, we can’t control that!). 😉 So grab a glass (of milk, soda, whatever!), get comfy, and get ready for some seriously clever humor and positive vibes. 🎉 Let’s get this pun party started! 🥂
Top ‘Drinking Jokes’ – Best Picks
- Why don’t they serve alcohol at math parties? Because you shouldn’t drink and derive!
- What do you call a bear that drinks too much beer? A beer-y scary sight!
- Why did the bartender cut off the astronaut? He said he needed just one more for Pluto!
- Did you hear about the bartender who broke up with the tequila? He said it was getting too salty.
- A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he’s about to pay, he asks, “Hey, how much do I owe you?” The bartender replies, “For you, neutron, no charge!”
- Why is wine so sophisticated? It’s been through culinary school.
- Two pints walk into a bar. The third one ducks. It’s a low-ceiling kind of place.
- Why can’t Monday lift Saturday? It’s too week! And probably hungover.
- Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
- I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But thankfully, I turned myself around. Then I had a beer.
- What do you call a fake noodle you drink beer with? An impasta!
- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one! Time for a celebratory drink!
- I went to a zoo with just one dog in it. It was a shih tzu. Let’s get a drink and forget this ever happened.
- You know, I could really go for a cold glass of… …anything at this point, honestly.
- My therapist told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that. First round’s on me!
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! Especially excuses to get another drink.
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. I need another drink.
Clever ‘Drinking Puns’ – Best Picks
- “I’m writing a dissertation on the history of drinking… I think it’s time for some re-search.” 🍻
- “Why don’t they serve alcohol at math parties? Because you shouldn’t drink and derive!” ➗🍺
- “Did you hear about the bartender who broke up a fight? He was a real drink mediator.” 🍸🥊
- “I only drink on two occasions: When it’s my birthday, and when it’s not.” 🎉🍹
- “A clean house is a sign of a wasted life… spent not drinking wine.” 🍷🏠
- “What do you call a bear with an alcohol problem? A polar opposite of what you should be!” 🐻🚫🍺
- “I’m not addicted to drinking. We’re just in a very committed relationship.” ❤️🍷
- “My therapist told me to embrace my mistakes. Guess I’ll drink to that!” 🍾🙆♀️
- “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” 🍸🪞
- “I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now… Time for a celebratory drink!” 🧼🎉🍾
- “I got fired from my job at the bank today. Apparently, my position was drink-dependent.” 🏦🚫🍹
- “They say drinking alone is a sign you have a problem… So I invited all my problems over for a party!” 🎉🥳🍻
- “Parallel parking is easy… Try parallel drinking!” 🚗🚫🍺
- “I’m not sure what’s stronger, my love for drinking or my ability to deny I have a problem.” 🤔❤️🍷
- “My tolerance for stupidity is at an all-time low… Pour me another drink!” 🙄🥃
- “What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes its car? A tyrannosaurus wrecks, and probably shouldn’t have been drinking and driving.” 🦖🚗💥
- “Life is too short to drink cheap beer… said the man sipping on his expensive whiskey.” 🥃😎
Funny ‘Drinking One-Liner Jokes’ – Short & Funny Drinking Jokes
- I’m writing a book about the benefits of drinking… I think it’s going to be a real page-turner.
- My doctor told me to reduce my drinking. So I’m drinking shorter cocktails now.
- I tried to explain to my friend the benefits of drinking in moderation… he wasn’t buying it.
- I only drink on two occasions: when it’s my birthday, and when it’s not.
- You know you’re a lightweight when “drinking responsibly” means using two hands.
- My therapist told me to embrace my mistakes… guess I’ll have another drink.
- I tried to quit drinking cold turkey… but it kept flapping away.
- My New Year’s resolution was to drink less… Turns out, I’m just really bad at fractions.
- “I only drink socially,” she said, pouring a glass of wine for her cat.
- Drinking and driving is a no-go. Especially if you’re drinking a “go-go juice.”
- My friend tried to tell me I was spending too much time thinking about drinking… I was like, “Were we?”
- Always remember to drink responsibly… don’t spill it.
- I only drink on days that end in “Y”… it’s a tough life.
- I tried to make a drink disappear using only my mind… I guess you could say it was “mind-blowing.”
- I’m not saying I drink a lot, but I just got elected Mayor of my liver.
- A bartender walks into a library… and orders a “gin and tonic, with a twist of lime and a side of existential dread.”
- My love life is like a fine wine: incredibly expensive and gives me a headache.
- I’m not sure what’s stronger, my love for drinking or my drinking problem.
Drinking QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Drinking
- Q: Why don’t they serve alcohol to seagulls at the beach? A: Because then you’d just have drunk birds with flight issues.
- Q: What do you call a bear that drinks too much beer? A: A beer-gutted lumberjack.
- Q: What do you call a fake alcoholic beverage? A: A mocktail. It’s all fun and games until someone gets…mocked.
- Q: You know what’s odd? A: Numbers can’t drink, but we still ask, “Give me five!”
- Q: What did the bartender say to the lime wedge? A: “Hey, you’re lookin’ sour. What’s eatin’ you?”
- Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A: A carrot…who’s had a bit too much to drink.
- Q: I only drink on two occasions… A: When I’m thirsty and when I’m not.
- Q: Why did the wine go to the hospital? A: It was feeling completely crushed.
- Q: Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs…especially after they’ve hit the jungle juice.
- Q: I like my women like I like my whiskey… A: I don’t like whiskey. But seriously, drink responsibly, folks.
- Q: How do trees get on the internet? A: They log in…but only after a few root beers, they become real chatty.
- Q: How do you make a tequila sunrise? A: Just leave the bottle on the counter and it’ll disappear by morning.
- Q: You know what they say about tequila? A: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!
- Q: What did the drunk ghost say to the beer keg? A: “Boo’s all around!”
- Q: What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter? A: It be the letter “C”…as in “See ya later, I’m off to get some rum!”
- Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms? A: Because they make up everything…especially excuses after a night of drinking.
- Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda-pressing! He needed a break from all the can-dramas.
Dad Jokes About Drinking: Pun-Filled Quips
- I told my wife she was drinking too much soda. She said, “Go on, spill it. What’s bothering you?” I said, “The high fructose corn syrup!”
- Why don’t they serve beer at the library? Because they’re afraid someone might end up with a book hangover!
- What’s a pirate’s favorite type of drink? Anything on the rocks!
- Did you hear about the bartender who lost his job? He just couldn’t cut it!
- I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around. Now, I’m addicted to drinking juice out of a shoe. Don’t judge, it’s what’s on the inside that counts!
- My doctor told me to reduce my drinking. So I drank half as many margaritas, but twice as big!
- What did the water say to the ice cube? “Hey, wanna hang out? We could be chill.”
- Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
- You know what they say about orange juice? It’s all fun and games until you get pulp fiction.
- A bartender walks into a church… and then he walks out. It was too holy for him.
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato who just sits around all day drinking root beer floats!
- I saw a sign that said “Watch for Drinking Birds.” How do they even hold a glass?
- I wanted to invent a new drink, but I couldn’t think of anything to mix. Guess you could say I hit a wall-nut.
- My friend said he wanted to go to a drive-thru bar. I said, “Now you’re just driving me crazy!”
- If you’re ever feeling down, just remember: even a glass of water is half full. Of hydrogen and oxygen, that is!
- What’s Dracula’s favorite drink? A Bloody Scary!
- Why did the coffee go to the police? It got mugged!
- My wife got mad at me for drinking all the coffee. I said, “But honey, I made you a de-caffeinated cup!”
- Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs… and they love their energy drinks!
Drinking Jokes and Puns for Kids
- Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his mom was in a jam! 🍓😭
- What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved! 🌊👋
- Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! 🐠🧂
- What musical instrument do cats like to play? The purr-cussion! 🐈🥁
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato! 🦘🥔
- Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey-combs! 🐝🍯
- What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree! 🌴🖐️
- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one! 🏌️♂️⛳️
- What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed! 🛏️
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! 🌾🏆
- What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business! 🌶️👃
- Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencil-vania! ✏️🏞️
- Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs! 🐆🃏
- What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious! ⛰️😂
- What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells! 👀👃
- Why can’t Monday lift Saturday? It’s a weak day! 💪📅
- What has ears but cannot hear? Corn! 🌽👂
- What time did the clock go to the doctor? At tick-tock o’clock! ⏰🩺
- What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk! 🐮🥛
- Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was twoTIRED! 🚲😴
Drinking Jokes and Puns for Adults
- Why don’t they serve alcohol at AA meetings? Because it’s a total sip show.
- A bartender walks into a library looking stressed. He throws a glass against the wall and yells, “Give me a double! I said double the daiquiris, Dewey Decimal!”
- You know you’ve had too much to drink when… you start trying to “like” things in real life by giving them a thumbs up.
- My doctor told me to cut back on the drinking. Guess I’ll have to stick to cutting back on weekdays…and Mondays.
- I’m writing a book about the dangers of alcoholism. It’s still in the draft stage.
- Did you hear about the bartender who won an award? He really raised the bar. But honestly, his drinks were on another shelf.
- I told my therapist about my drinking problem. He said, “First, let’s discuss your denial.” I said, “Okay, fine. But after that, we’re totally hitting the pub!”
- My friend said, “Let’s go out, have a few drinks, and be irresponsible.” I said, “Sounds fun! But I’m driving, so I’ll have to be irresponsible later.”
- Why is it so hard to trust atoms? Because they make up everything, especially after you’ve had a few drinks.
- My new year’s resolution was to drink less. It lasted about as long as a bottle of wine in my house.
- I only drink on two occasions: When it’s my birthday and when it’s not.
- What’s the difference between a good night and a great night? A good night ends with a kiss. A great night ends with you trying to unlock your phone with a french fry.
- You know your weekend was wild when… your “memories” start looking a lot like your browser history.
- Always remember to drink responsibly… Don’t spill it.
- I went to a wine tasting for introverts. It was great! Everyone just sat in the corner judging people silently.
- I’m at that age where I can’t remember if I did something or just thought about doing it after a night of drinking.
- My liver told me to go to rehab. I told my liver, “You’re not my real dad!”
- I used to think I had a drinking problem… Turns out, I’m just really good at it.
- Why do I drink? Because everyone else looks better when I do.
Drinking Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Other Social Media
- Someone offered me a bottle of water once. I told them, “Water you trying to pull? I’m a drinking man, get me a beer!” 🍻
- Just found out my therapist is secretly a bartender on the weekends. Guess he really knows how to get people drinking about their problems. 🍹
- You know you’re an adult when you get just as excited about a sale on drinking glasses as you do about a new video game release. 🥂
- Tried making cocktails with sparkling water instead of soda. Honestly, it was a little de-hydrating. 💧
- I only drink on two occasions: When it’s my birthday and when it’s not. 🎉 Oh, and when I’m thirsty. 🤪
- What do you call a bear that’s always at the bar? Drinking his sorrows away? Nah, that’s just a regular bear. 🐻🍺
- My New Year’s resolution was to drink less. Now I just drink less frequently. Like, once every hour instead of every 30 minutes. 😎
- I’m at that age where “happy hour” is less about the drinking and more about the “happy” because work is over. 🥳
- I used to think my tolerance was high, but then I realized I just really love drinking. 🤷♂️
- My love life is like a fine wine… Mostly bitter with a hint of headache.🍷🤕
- My bank account after a night out is like a first kiss. Short, awkward, and leaves you wanting to forget it ever happened. 💸😳
- Why don’t they serve alcohol at math parties? Because you should never drink and derive. 🤓🚫🍻
- What’s Dracula’s favorite drinking game? Bloody Mary, obviously. 🧛♂️🍅🍹
- I’m not addicted to drinking. We’re just in a very committed relationship. 💕🍺
- Always remember to hydrate. Preferably with something that also makes you forget you have responsibilities. 🍹😌
- Sleep is my favorite activity that doesn’t involve drinking. It’s a close second, though. 😴🥈
- My therapist says I need to learn to love myself. So I bought myself a drink. Self-love is important, people. 💖🍻
- Remember, life is too short to drink bad wine. So, if it’s bad, drink it faster so you can open a good bottle. 😉🍷
Wine-ding Down? Share These Puns! 🍷 😂
We hope these puns and jokes really quenched your thirst for laughter! If you’re still feeling parched for more punny entertainment, bottoms up! Explore our website for a whole taproom of hilarious wordplay. 🍻
