107+ Astrology Jokes & Puns: It’s Written in the Stars!
Get ready to shine brighter than a supernova, because we’re diving headfirst into the funniest astrology content this side of the Milky Way! 😂 This isn’t your average, run-of-the-mill horoscope, folks. We’re talking a stellar list of the best astrology jokes, puns so clever they’ll have you saying “that’s so me,” and humor so funny, it’s written in the stars! 🤩 Whether you’re a zodiac aficionado or just here for the laughs, this cosmic comedy show is for kids and adults alike. Get ready to LOL, because things are about to get astro-hilarious! 🌠
Top Astrology Jokes – Best Picks
- Why did the astrologer get cold feet at their wedding? They got too close to a Gemini.
- What do you call an astrologer who breaks the law? A sign of the crimes!
- Why did the astrologer bring a ladder to the party? They heard the drinks were on the house, specifically the house of Aquarius.
- Did you hear about the astrologer who was also a terrible gambler? They kept betting it all on the rising sign.
- My friend says he doesn’t believe in astrology. I told him that’s typical of him. He’s a Sagittarius.
- What’s an astrologer’s favorite instrument? A lyre-a!
- Why don’t astrologers do well in school? They’re always getting caught looking at the stars during class.
- I went to an astrologer, and they told me to embrace my mistakes. Guess I’m just erring on the side of Mercury retrograde.
- How can you tell if someone is an astrology enthusiast? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you. Repeatedly.
- Why don’t astrologers like to go on cruises? They prefer to stay grounded in reality… most of the time.
- Why do Scorpios always win staring contests? Have you ever looked into their eyes? You just know they’re reading your birth chart in their head.
- What’s the difference between an astrologer and a meteorologist? One predicts the future using celestial bodies, and the other predicts the weather using celestial bodies. But only one of them gets laughed at when they’re wrong.
Clever Astrology Puns – Best Picks
- “I tried to tell my friend about the benefits of astrology, but he’s a bit of a skeptic. Seems like it’s just not written in the stars for him.”
- “I wanted to learn astrology, but I’m struggling to find the time. Guess you could say I haven’t found the right time zone.”
- “My friend’s an astrologer, but he’s terrible at relationships. He says it’s because he’s bad at reading the signs.”
- “Why don’t they teach astrology at Hogwarts? I hear it’s a load of aries.”
- “They say Geminis are indecisive. But on the other hand, maybe they aren’t.”
- “What did the astrologer say to the confused Libra? “I can see you’re weighing your options.”
- “An astrologer told me I was going to come into some money. Turned out I just had some bills in my back pocket-astrology is such a letdown!”
- “Want to impress an astrology enthusiast? Tell them their knowledge of the zodiac is out of this world.”
- “Did you hear about the astrologer who was arrested? He was accused of forecasting without a license.”
- “My friend says she can read my birth chart like a book. I just hope it’s not a boring one.”
- “I’m not saying I’m obsessed with astrology, but I do check my horoscope before I even brush my teeth. I have my priorities, okay?”
- “Dating an astrologer is great, until you get into a fight and they try to blame it on Mercury retrograde.”
- “What do you call an astrologer who wins the lottery? Proof that sometimes, the stars really do align!”
- “I tried to explain astrology to my cat, but he just stared at me blankly. I guess it’s not his sign.”
Funny Astrology One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny Astrology Jokes
- I tried to tell my friend about the benefits of astrology, but he’s pretty starstruck by science.
- Astrology is a great way to predict the future, especially if you already know what’s going to happen.
- My skepticism towards astrology is written in the stars… I just haven’t found the right constellation yet.
- I’m not saying I’m deeply into astrology, but I do check my horoscope right after I read my fortune cookie.
- I broke up with my astrologer. Apparently, our signs weren’t compatible long-term, which is weird because I’m a Taurus and she was a paid professional.
- You know you’re really bad at astrology when you can’t even predict what you’re having for dinner.
- My astrologer told me I have a fear of commitment. Well, she’s not wrong. I’m still not committed to believing in astrology.
- I’m such a Gemini, I can’t even decide if I believe in astrology or not.
- You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope is just the astrologer’s to-do list.
- Apparently, Mercury being in retrograde is a big deal. I guess that explains why I haven’t received that Amazon package yet.
- Someone stole my astrology book. Police say they have no leads, but are looking for a sign.
- My bank account is like my zodiac sign right now – completely empty and waiting for a miracle.
- They say opposites attract. So does that mean my soulmate is someone who actually understands astrology?
- I’m not sure what my rising sign is, but based on the price of coffee, it must be inflation.
- I’d tell you more about my interest in astrology, but I don’t want to get into Uranus business.
Astrology QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Astrology
- Q: Why did the astrologer get cold feet? A: They got too involved in a Pisces of business.
- Q: What do you call an astrologer who’s always stressed? A: A sign-language interpreter for a room full of Geminis.
- Q: Did you hear about the astrologer who could predict the lottery numbers? A: It’s a sign! …Or maybe just a really good guess.
- Q: Why don’t they teach astrology in school? A: They don’t want students getting caught stargazing in class.
- Q: What’s an astrologer’s favorite drink? A: Anything with a good star-sign-ature cocktail.
- Q: Why are Scorpios so good at poker? A: They can really sting you with their bets.
- Q: What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A: A pouch potato… with questionable astrological beliefs.
- Q: Why are Virgos such good detectives? A: They always notice the little signs.
- Q: Why don’t Capricorns believe in astrology? A: They find it too whimsical for their down-to-earth nature. (Oh, the irony!)
- Q: My astrologer told me I’d win the lottery. What should I do? A: Get a new astrologer… and then buy a lottery ticket just in case.
- Q: What’s the difference between an astrologer and a meteorologist? A: One reads the stars, the other gets read the riot act when they’re wrong.
- Q: How do you know if an Aries is lying? A: Their lips are moving… but their star chart’s probably on fire.
- Q: What happens when two astrologers disagree? A: A constellation prize for whoever argues loudest.
- Q: I think astrology is a load of Taurus… A: Hey, that’s not very nice! The bulls have feelings too, you know.
Dad Jokes About Astrology: Pun-Filled Quips
- I tried to tell my son about the constellations, but he just wouldn’t Libra me alone!
- Did you hear about the astrologer who walked into a bar? He was immediately starstruck!
- I wanted to learn astrology, but I was told it’s not rocket science-try.
- My wife’s a Gemini, and let me tell you, keeping up with her is like having two jobs—astrology really is spot-on.
- What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a relationship? The mooning over each other phase!
- Why are Scorpios good at keeping secrets? They’re masters of the zodiac’s hush-hush policy.
- I told my friend I was reading about astrology, and he said, “Get outta here!” I told him to calm down, it’s not like I’m star-gazing out the window.
- What did the astrology student say when they aced their exam? “Look at me, I’m a star-learner now!”
- Never ask an astrology fanatic their sign. They’ll go on for hours—it’s a sign of the times.
- My friend told me he could predict my future based on my aura. I told him, “Get outta here with your positive vibes!”
- What’s a Capricorn’s favorite type of coffee? Anything that pairs well with a mountain of responsibility!
- What’s an astrologer’s favorite drink? Anything with a twist!
- I tried to write a song about astrology, but the lyrics were all over the space.
Astrology Jokes and Puns for Kids
- Why did the star get bad grades in astrology class? Because it was always spacing out!
- What do you call a tick that’s really into astrology? A sign-ificant other!
- Why was the astrology student staring at a plate of orange peels? Because his mom told him to study the signs!
- What did the little comet say to the Sun? “You’re my biggest fan!”
- My friend said astrology is a bunch of Taurus… Is that true?
- Where do planets like to party? At a meteor shower!
- What kind of music do planets sing? Nep-tunes!
- Why did the moon break up with the Earth? It needed some space!
- How do you cut the sea in half? With a Sea-Saw!
- Why don’t astronauts get hungry when they’re in space? They have comet-tite for dinner!
- What did the ocean say to the Moon? Nothing, it just waved!
- What’s a constellation’s favorite snack? Orion’s Belt crackers!
- What did Mars say to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
- Never ask an astronaut for their space! They’re really attached to it!
Astrology Jokes and Puns for Elders
- My doctor told me to add more “Astrology” to my life… So, I bought a telescope! What did he think “Astrology” meant?
- I used to be really into Astrology, but then I realized… It was a lot of Taurusht!
- You know you’re getting old when… You start blaming your bad knees on Mercury being in retrograde.
- Retirement is written in the stars, you say? Maybe, but my 401k says otherwise.
- My kids are trying to convince me to try online dating… They think I need a more modern approach than just blaming Venus for my love life.
- I asked my astrologer friend what the stock market was going to do… He said, “Buy low, sell high.” Turns out, you don’t need the stars to know that.
- My grandkids got me a book on understanding Bitcoin for my birthday… Clearly, they missed the part where I came of age before computers, let alone cryptocurrency.
- I don’t always read my horoscope… Okay, who am I kidding? I still do, I just take it with a grain of salt… and a shot of prune juice!
- Used to think Mercury in retrograde ruined everything… Now I realize, sometimes things are just messed up all on their own.
- You know you’re an old soul when… You remember when Pluto was still a planet.
- At my age, I don’t need astrology… I need a good chiropractor!
- I finally figured out why I’m so compatible with my partner… We share the same pharmacist!
- Remember when our biggest worry was what our horoscope said? Now we just worry about remembering where we put our glasses.
- What’s an Aries’ favorite senior center activity? Bingo, of course! They always have to be number one.
- My friend said my sun, moon, and rising sign are all in the bathroom… I guess that explains why I spend so much time in there!
Astrology Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Social Media
- My therapist told me to balance my chakras. I said, “Dude, I can barely balance my checkbook!” 💸
- I’m not saying I’m obsessed with astrology, but I do check my horoscope before I make instant ramen. 🍜
- Why did the astrologer quit their job? They were tired of everyone telling them to “get a real job!” 🥱
- What’s an astrologer’s favorite type of candy? A Starburst! ✨
- Never trust an atom. They make up everything! ⚛️ (Subtle astrology connection!)
- I’m trying to become a more spiritual person. So far, the closest I’ve gotten is Spirit Airlines. ✈️
- Did you hear about the psychic dwarf who escaped from prison? They say he’s a small medium at large. 🔮
- “I can see your future,” the fortune teller proclaimed. I squinted at my palm. “Well, I can’t. My vision isn’t that good.” 👵
- My friend told me to embrace my inner goddess. Now if only I could find her in this mess. 🧘♀️
- You can tell a lot about a person by their zodiac sign. Unless they’re a Gemini. Then you need at least two people to figure them out. ♊
- My horoscope said I’d meet someone special today. Still waiting, but at least I found a really good parking spot. 🚗
- I don’t know if astrology is real, but it’s cheaper than therapy. 🧠
- How do you know Saturn has been working out? It’s got rings! 💪🪐
- What do you call an astrologer who only reads palms via Zoom? A remote viewer! 💻👋
That’s all, zodiac signs! Your future puns await!
Hope these astrology jokes and puns had you seeing stars! But the fun doesn’t stop here. Navigate through our constellation of jokes and puns by exploring the rest of our punny website. You’re sure to find something out of this world!
