90+ Shaken, Not Stirred: James Bond Jokes & Puns

Get ready to laugh like a supervillain who just accidentally ejected themselves from their underwater lair because this is it: the ultimate list of James Bond Jokes! 😂 We’ve got puns funnier than Jaws strapped to a laser beam, humor smoother than a shaken-not-stirred martini, and jokes so clever they’d make Q proud. 😎 Whether you’re a kid or just a kid at heart, this collection of the best Bond puns and one-liners is sure to leave you shaken (with laughter) and stirred. 😏 Get ready to deploy some serious humor! 💥

Top James Bond Jokes – Best Picks

  1. Why did James Bond refuse to order dessert? Because he was always on a mission… im-pie-ssible!
  2. I saw James Bond in Tesco yesterday. I think he was buying his Liscense to Dill.
  3. How does James Bond answer the phone? “Bond, James Bond… Dialing.”
  4. Why did James Bond laugh at the exploding pen? He knew he had a ballpoint to come back to.
  5. What did M say to Bond when he parked in the disabled spot? “For your eyes only, 007.”
  6. What did James Bond say to the bartender who served him a shaken, not stirred martini? “You’re stirring up trouble, my friend.”
  7. How did James Bond know it was time to retire? He finally felt his age-ent catching up to him.
  8. What’s James Bond’s favorite snack? Goldfish crackers.
  9. Why couldn’t the villain understand James Bond? He was speaking in code words.
  10. Why is James Bond such a smooth talker? Everything he says is a pickup line.
  11. Did you hear about the James Bond movie that was filmed entirely underwater? It had subpar reviews.
  12. What’s James Bond’s favorite type of music? Anything with a good theme to it.
  13. Where does James Bond go to dance? The spy – ce arena.
  14. I tried writing a James Bond novel, but… it didn’t quite work out of the blue.
  15. What did Q say when Bond asked for an invisible car? “Now, now 007, let’s not be transpar-ent.”

Clever James Bond Puns – Best Picks

  1. “I’m Bond, James Bond. But feel free to call me… James Bone, if you find yourself shaken, not stirred.” (Winks suggestively)
  2. Q: What’s James Bond’s favorite type of music? A: Anything he can Q-rate!
  3. I tried to explain to my dog that James Bond isn’t a real secret agent… but he was just Siberian Husky.
  4. My friend said James Bond movies were unrealistic. I said, “Come on, be Goldfinger about it!”
  5. James Bond is such a smooth talker, he could convince a Spectre to join a monastery.
  6. Feeling Thunderballsy* today, might just order a martini…shaken, not stirred, of course.
  7. Tired of people making fun of James Bond’s name. Give the guy a break, man!
  8. I tried starting a James Bond-themed ska band. It was a Die Another Day kind of thing.
  9. My dating life is like a James Bond movie marathon… always On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
  10. Just saw James Bond at the Apple Store. He was looking for an iGadget.
  11. James Bond’s favorite board game? Monopoly, especially when he gets to be the banker.
  12. My therapist told me to channel my inner James Bond. Now I just introduce myself as “Bond, Therapist’s Bond.”
  13. I tried writing a James Bond novel, but I kept hitting GoldenEye writer’s block.
  14. James Bond is opening a bakery. They specialize in making Goldeneye-brownies.
  15. Just saw James Bond riding the subway! He must be taking the License to Kill -ometer down.
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Funny James Bond One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny James Bond Jokes

  1. I tried to explain to my wife that “James Bond” isn’t a real job title… she wasn’t shaken, nor stirred.
  2. James Bond walks into a restaurant. The hostess asks, “Table for one?” Bond replies, “No, shaken, not stirred.”
  3. James Bond is such a terrible gambler. Why? Because he always goes all in on the 007.
  4. Did you hear about the introverted James Bond? He was 00-shy.
  5. James Bond’s favorite snack? Goldfish… because they’re crackers!
  6. What’s James Bond’s go-to shampoo? Dye-Another-Day.
  7. I saw James Bond in the supermarket yesterday. Must have been a secret agent sale.
  8. What does James Bond say when he meditates? “The name is Om… James Om.”
  9. What did Q say to James Bond in the garden? “Grow, gadgets, grow!”
  10. Never ask James Bond for relationship advice. He’s had too many love interests.
  11. Why did James Bond get fired from the orchestra? He kept playing “Live and Let Die.”
  12. James Bond’s favorite board game? Clue… because he always gets his man (and sometimes a woman).
  13. Why did James Bond cross the road? To get to the Aston Martin dealership on the other side.
  14. James Bond can tell the future… he’s got pre-cognition.
  15. I tried to order a “James Bond” at the bar last night. Turns out it’s just a martini… with a license to chill.

James Bond QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about James Bond

  1. Q: Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the casino? A: He wanted to raise the stakes.
  2. Q: What’s James Bond’s favorite type of bread? A: Rye or rye not, there is no bread. Only martinis.
  3. Q: What did M say to James Bond when he asked for comfortable shoes? A: “Those aren’t in your MI6 contract, 007. You’ll have to wingtip it.”
  4. Q: Why did James Bond become a librarian? A: He heard it was a field with lots of openings.
  5. Q: What’s James Bond’s favorite board game? A: Clue… because he always figures out whodunnit.
  6. Q: How does James Bond make his coffee? A: Espress-ionally for his missions.
  7. Q: What’s James Bond’s favorite type of pasta? A: Penne-trate any enemy defenses.
  8. Q: Did you hear about James Bond’s barbershop quartet? A: They specialize in close shaves.
  9. Q: What did James Bond say to the evil mastermind’s pet parrot? A: “Look, Polly want a martini? I’m only here for the bad guy.”
  10. Q: What did Q say to James Bond before sending him on a mission to a tech conference? A: “Remember 007, stay incognito. Blend in with the Silicon Valley types.”
  11. Q: What did James Bond say after ordering a dozen oysters? A: “The name’s Bond… Shellfish Bond.”
  12. Q: What music does James Bond listen to while on a mission? A: Anything but theme music. He likes to keep a low profile.
  13. Q: Why don’t villains ever challenge James Bond to a thumb-wrestling match? A: They know he’s got a license to kill-oh-gram.
  14. Q: What did James Bond say when he walked into the art museum? A: “I’m here for the Monet… shaken, not stirred.”
  15. Q: Where does James Bond go to get a quick bite? A: “Spyder”man’s food truck. It’s all the rage in the espionage community.”

Dad Jokes About James Bond: Pun-Filled Quips

  1. I met James Bond’s vegetarian cousin the other day. He’s… Pierce Brosnan the Green.
  2. James Bond was struggling to get his new furniture up the stairs… guess it was a Licence to Disassemble.
  3. James Bond can’t go on rollercoasters anymore. Turns out he has a Licence to Thrill, not to spill.
  4. Why is James Bond such a good gambler? He always wins… shaken, not stirred.
  5. James Bond got fired from his job as a librarian. Seems he kept misplacing all the books… On Her Majesty’s Secret Shelf.
  6. I tried writing a Bond theme song, but it wasn’t very good. The critics said it was… For Your Ears Only.
  7. Why is James Bond such a bad chef? Everything he makes is… Live and Let Fry!
  8. Why didn’t James Bond do well in school exams? He kept forgetting his… Goldeneye-dentificiation.
  9. I saw James Bond at the bank the other day. He was using the code “007” on his ATM… what a Goldfinger!
  10. I told my wife my new car was like a Bond car. “Oh yeah?” she said, “Quantum of Solace?” “No,” I said, “More like a Licence to Kill… my wallet.”
  11. James Bond went on a digital detox retreat… turns out even spies need a break from the Quantum of Solace.
  12. Kids these days don’t know how to use a rotary phone. I bet James Bond could dial “M” in his sleep… it’s all in the Goldfinger technique.
  13. Why did James Bond become a gardener? He heard you could make a killing in… Goldeneye-vy.
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James Bond Jokes and Puns for Kids

  1. Q: What’s James Bond’s favorite board game? A: Clue… because he loves a good mystery!
  2. Q: What’s James Bond’s favorite musical instrument? A: The Trom-bond!
  3. Q: What does James Bond say when he’s feeling brave? A: “I’m Bond, James Bond… and I’m not lion! (lying)”
  4. Q: Why did James Bond cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide… he loves a good secret passage!
  5. Q: What do you call a James Bond movie with dinosaurs? A: Jurassic Park…ing (his Aston Martin)!
  6. Q: What did the ocean say to James Bond? A: “Nothing, it just waved!”
  7. Q: What’s James Bond’s favorite mode of transportation? A: Anything spy-cy!
  8. Q: Why did James Bond become a chef? A: He loved serving justice… with a side of shaken martinis!
  9. Q: What’s James Bond’s favorite drink on a hot day? A: An iced Bond-uccino!
  10. Q: What do you get if you cross James Bond with a cat? A: A Purr-fectly trained secret agent!
  11. Q: What does James Bond say when he meets someone new? A: “Bond, James Bond… pleased to meet you, friend!”
  12. Q: Why was James Bond good at hide and seek? A: He was a master of disguise!
  13. Q: What’s James Bond’s favorite dance move? A: The Spy-ral!
  14. Q: What does James Bond say at bedtime? A: “Night, night, villains… sleep tight, and don’t let the bed bugs… bite!”

James Bond Jokes and Puns for Elders

  1. Why did James Bond retire to Florida? He heard the martinis were golden, the weather was sunny, and the villains always came back for the sequel.
  2. My retirement plan is pretty much the opposite of James Bond’s. He lived life shaken, not stirred. Me? I prefer my martinis and my daily routine predictable.
  3. I tried to make a James Bond martini the other day…shaken, not stirred. Turns out my blender isn’t as sophisticated as I thought.
  4. Remember when James Bond used to seduce women with witty banter and suave moves? Now I just hear my grandkids using pickup lines like, “Wanna come see my new hearing aids?”
  5. Q gave James Bond a new watch. It had no hands. Bond asked, “What’s the point?” Q said, “Exactly, 007. Time is irrelevant when you’re living on the edge.”
  6. They say James Bond can escape any situation. I’d like to see him get out of a timeshare presentation in Boca Raton.
  7. James Bond always ordered his martinis “shaken, not stirred.” These days, I’m happy if my hand isn’t shaking when I try to pour it.
  8. I saw a documentary about James Bond. Turns out, all those years he wasn’t dodging bullets, he was filing expense reports with MI6. Sounds about right.
  9. Why was James Bond so bad at poker? Because he could never keep a straight flush!
  10. The new James Bond is rumored to be vegan. Apparently, his drink of choice is a shaken, not stirred, kale smoothie. License to kale, indeed.
  11. Why did James Bond always win at blackjack? Because he had a license to kill… time at the casino!
  12. Q Branch is really struggling with inflation. A new Aston Martin with all the gadgets now costs more than the annual budget for espionage.
  13. My doctor said I need to live life more like James Bond. So, I’m adding a splash of vermouth to my prune juice from now on.
  14. I think I’d be a terrible Bond villain. I’d keep offering everyone tea and biscuits, and we’d probably just end up chatting about our grandkids.
  15. They say James Bond will return… Hopefully, to a theater with senior discounts because those movie ticket prices are a real-life villain.
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James Bond Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Social Media

  1. I tried to explain to my friend why James Bond loves his martinis “shaken, not stirred,” but he just wouldn’t listen. Guess you could say… he wasn’t stirred by my argument. 🍸
  2. Just saw James Bond at the Apple store. He was buying an iWatch. Guess you could say he’s… always on time. ⌚️
  3. James Bond walks into a library. He wants a book on invisible ink. The librarian whispers, “They’ve gone out.” 🤫
  4. What’s James Bond’s favorite type of pasta? Spy-ghetti, naturally. 🍝
  5. Heard James Bond got fired for working from home. Seems he couldn’t handle the… spy pressure. 🏠
  6. James Bond’s favorite band? Guns N’ Rosés. 🎸
  7. Why did James Bond cross the road? To get to the spyder on the other side. 🕷️
  8. What did James Bond say to the parking attendant? “Keep the Aston Martin running… just in case” 🚗
  9. Breaking news: James Bond’s been taking cooking classes! His signature dish? License to Chil. 🌶️
  10. James Bond walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he sits there, he hears a high-pitched voice say, “Hey, those jeans look really great on you!” The voice is coming from his drink. It’s a spyda colada.🍹
  11. You know, for a secret agent, James Bond sure does make a lot of noise… You could say he’s a very bond bond man! 🥁
  12. Did you hear about James Bond’s dating profile? He’s only looking for someone to share spyce things up with. 😉
  13. I used to work at MI6, but I lost my job because I mixed up the regular staplers and the spy staplers. Turns out… I wasn’t cut out for the staple-craft. 📎
  14. Just saw a sign outside MI6 headquarters: “No trespassing. Violators will be spyed upon.” ⛔️
  15. Why is James Bond so good at poker? Because he knows when to hold ’em, and when to spy them. 😎

Bond, James Bond. That’s All, Folks!

So there you have it, a license to laugh your Aston-ishing socks off! We hope these James Bond jokes and puns left you shaken, not stirred. Don’t let the fun stop here, though. Explore our website for even more hilarious puns and jokes that are sure to leave you shaken and stirred.

Rabia Noreen & Team

Rabia Noreen: The Punnovator

Hi, I'm Rabia, the lead punster behind PunnyHub.com, alongside my incredible team. With a background in Comparative Literature, I specialize in turning phrases and crafting chuckles. My team and I are committed to delivering humor that not only entertains but enlightens. Every post we share is designed to sprinkle your day with laughter and a dash of wit. Find your Best Puns & Jokes.

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