106+ Screw Jokes: Get Ready to Pun-ish Your Friends with Laughter
Get ready to twist and turn with laughter because we’ve got the best list of screw jokes and puns this side of the toolbox! 😂 This collection of clever wordplay is perfect for kids and adults who love a good chuckle. We’ve got enough screw humor here to build a whole house of laughs! So, tighten your funny bone and get ready for some pun-derful fun! 🔩🤣
Top Screw Jokes – Best Picks
- Why did the screw quit his job? Because he was totally screwed over! 🔩
- What’s the difference between a tired carpenter and a thirsty vampire? One needs a place to sit, the other, a place to screw down. 🧛♂️
- You hear about the robot couple that broke up? Seems like their relationship had too many loose screws. 🤖💔
- I saw a sign at a hardware store that said, “Screws 50% Off!” I thought, “Great deal! I could really screw myself over trying to carry all those.”
- Why are prison inmates such skilled craftsmen? They have plenty of time to screw around… with woodworking, of course! 🔨
- What did the frustrated carpenter say to the crooked nail? “You’re really screwing with me right now!” 😤
- Why don’t they trust atoms? Because they make up everything! Especially those pesky screws! 🧪
- Why are screws such bad dancers? They always take a turn for the worst! 🕺
- What’s a vampire’s least favorite tool? A Phillips head screwdriver – they hate getting screwed over! 🧛♂️
- I went to a hardware store and asked for some self-tapping screws… The cashier whispered, “Dude, those are called fingers!” 🤫
- How do you know a screw is really dedicated to its job? It always puts in 100% effort! 💯
- My therapist told me to loosen up, so I did… Now all my furniture is falling apart! Guess I need more screws. 🙃
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato that needs to get off its tail and screw the lightbulb in! 🦘💡
- Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs… and they’re always trying to screw you out of your winnings! 🐆💰
Clever Screw Puns – Best Picks
- What did the screw say to the wood after a long day? “We make a great team, we really nail it together.”
- Why did the screw get fired from the construction site? It kept putting in the bare minimum effort.
- I tried starting a dating app for screws, bolts, and nails… But it turns out the market is too riveted with competition.
- What did the screw major study in college? Mechanical engineering, he wanted to be very boltd in his career.
- You know, being a screw is not that easy… It’s a lot of pressure and everyone expects me to keep things tight!
- Did you hear about the screw that won an award? It was given for its outstanding achievement.
- What’s a screw’s least favorite food? A salad, they prefer their meals fastened down.
- I thought I could build a house using only screws… Turns out, I was completely board.
- The old screw told the young screw, “Just keep your head down and you’ll go places!”
- Why did the screw get a job at the bank? Because it was great at handling interest.
- A screw walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender turns away, the screw shouts, “Hey! Don’t forget to put it on my tab!”
- What do you call a talk show hosted by a famous screw? “Getting Screwed with Steve.”
- I tried explaining to my friend how screws work… He just looked at me and said, “Dude, you’re twisting my words.”
- Why did the screw get in trouble with the law? It was caught turning tricks on the street corner.
- I wrote a song about screws, but it never really took off. Guess you could say it was a bit too one-dimensional.
Funny Screw One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny Screw Jokes
- Did you hear about the carpenter who was addicted to work? He’s screwed.
- I used to work in a factory making screws. It was tedious, but the pay wasn’t bad at all.
- Dating a screw is great. You always know they’re getting screwed as well.
- Just found out my therapist is making me replace all my light bulbs with screws. Seems like a very binding agreement.
- Why are prison guards good at poker? They know when someone is bluffing… or trying to screw them over.
- People are always asking me for relationship advice… My response? Screw that!
- I walked into a restaurant and asked for a meal with 120 pieces of cutlery. The waiter said, “Sir, we don’t have a screw loose menu.”
- My wife found out I replaced our bed frame with a trampoline… She hit the roof! Then she hit the wall. Then she kind of slowly screwed the pooch.
- My kid wanted a pet screw for his birthday. I told him, “Don’t be ridiculous, get a grip!”
- What did one screw say to the other? “Let’s bolt!”
- What’s the difference between a psychiatrist and a screw? You only need one of them to screw you over.
- Why did the screw get fired from the construction site? He kept saying, “This job is so boring, I could screw it with my eyes closed!”
- I tried to explain to my friend what a screw was, but he just didn’t get it. Guess some people are just screwed when it comes to tools.
- You know you’ve been dating too long when even your arguments start with, “Where did you learn to screw in a lightbulb?!”
Screw QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Screw
- Q: Why did the screw go to art school? A: It wanted to learn how to nail still lifes!
- Q: What’s a screw’s favorite musical genre? A: Heavy Metal! 🤘
- Q: What’s the most common phrase heard in a hardware store love story? A: “Baby, you really know how to sweep me off my feet… and then tighten me up just right!”
- Q: What did the screw say to the wood after a fight? A: “Look, I was board! Can’t we just screw it and forget this happened?”
- Q: Why did the screw break up with the hammer? A: It said the relationship was too rivet-ing!
- Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a screw? A: I don’t know, but it’s sure to be screwy!
- Q: Why are screws such terrible dancers? A: They always get screwed up on the turns!
- Q: What did the zen master say to the rusty screw? A: “Let go of your threads, and you will find enlightenment.”
- Q: You know you’ve hired a bad carpenter when…? A: He thinks a Phillips head is a fancy new cocktail!
- Q: What’s a screw’s favorite board game? A: Twister! Because they’re always down for a good time getting twisted!
- Q: Why did the screw blush? A: It saw the drill bit stripping!
- Q: What happens when a screw wins an award? A: It gets a little bolted!
- Q: What did the screw whisper to the wood? A: “Let’s bolt this joint and get outta here!”
Dad Jokes About Screw: Pun-Filled Quips
- I told my son to use a screw to hang the picture. He said, “But Dad, that’s ludicrous!” I told him, “No, son, it’s screw-diculous!”
- Why did the screw go to school? To get a little tighter!
- What’s a screw’s favorite breakfast? Nuts and bolts!
- My wife got mad when I said I loved my new drill more than her. I tried to explain, “But honey, it’s not you I want to replace, it’s the screws!”
- You know what they say about screws? Righty tighty, lefty loosey… unless you’re assembling IKEA furniture!
- My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So I took it to the hardware store and let it loose in the screw aisle. Now it’s a screw-driver!
- I lost my favorite screwdriver. Now it’s really screwed up!
- Went to the doctor because I swallowed a screw. He said, “Well, that’s just great!” I said, “I know, right? I’m finally full!”
- Why don’t they allow screws on pirate ships? They always want to plunder!
- I’m starting a new band called “The Loose Screws.” We’re really gonna rock… or maybe just wobble a bit!
- What’s the least popular type of screw at the hardware store? The one with no sense of humor!
- My attempt at making a rocking chair out of screws really backfired. The whole thing was a complete screw-up!
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato who’s always trying to screw-v off!
- I used to be a carpenter, but I gave it up. The pressure of always screwing things in was just too much.
- Never tell secrets in a hardware store, the walls have ears… and the screws have eyes!
Screw Jokes and Puns for Kids
- Why did the baby screw cry? Because it was a little rusty!
- What’s a vampire’s least favorite tool? A screwdriver!
- Why did the screw go to school? To improve its metal- Acuity!
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Screw. Screw who? Screw you too! Just kidding, let’s be friends!
- What happens when a screw gets lost in the jungle? It becomes a screw-dini!
- Why don’t they play cards in the jungle? Too many cheetahs… and screws loose!
- What did the screw say to the wood? “Let’s twist again, like we did last summer!”
- What did the tired screw say? “I need to unwind!”
- How do you make a wood plank laugh? Tickle it with a screw!
- What’s a screw’s favorite game? Twister!
- Why did the screw blush? Because it saw the drill strip! (For older kids who know about power drills)
- What’s a robot’s favorite drink? Screw-driver!
- Why did the screw get promoted at the toy factory? It was really screwed on!
- How do you fix a wobbly chair? Give it a pep talk and tighten its screws!
- What did one screw say to the other screw? “You’re looking sharp today!”
Screw Jokes and Puns for Elders
- My grandpa said his joints are really acting up. I told him, “Don’t worry, everyone gets screwed at your age.”
- Dating in your 80s is like trying to find the right screw for a pre-owned coffin. It’s all about finding the one that fits just right.
- What did the therapist say to the rusty old screw? “You’re feeling a bit bolted down, aren’t you?”
- Retirement is like being a screw in a clock. You’re not doing much, but you’re always wound up!
- My doctor told me I need to exercise. I told him I walk every day. He said, “Amp it up! Try screwing around with carpentry.”
- What’s the difference between a well-maintained antique and a neglected one? One’s got all its screws tightened, the other’s just screwed.
- I met someone new at the hardware store today. They really seemed to get me. Turns out they were just eyeing up my screws.
- They say you can’t take it with you when you go… But try telling that to my bad knee, it’s been screwing with me for years!
- My wife asked me to pass the WD-40 for her stiff door hinge. I told her, “Honey, at our age, we both need WD-40.”
- Heard a rumor the local furniture factory is going out of business. Guess that means they’re finally screwed.
- Why are antique screws so valuable? Because they’re truly irreplaceable… unlike some of our hips!
- Went to a vintage tool auction last week. The bidding got heated! I guess people really get screwed over prices these days.
- I told my grandkids I used to build things with just a screwdriver and my bare hands. They looked at me and said, “Sounds like you were screwed from the start!”
- You know you’re getting old when your idea of a wild night is… Staying up late sorting your screws!
Screw Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Social Media
- Just got fired from the hardware store. Apparently, my customer service needed to be… tightened. 🔨
- I used to work at a factory making screws. It was tedious work, but at least the pay was… consistent. 🔩
- You know you’re addicted to DIY when you see a sunset and think, “What a beautiful shade of wood stain!” 🌅
- My therapist told me to embrace my mistakes. I think I’ll start by giving that wonky bookshelf a hug. 🫂
- What’s a carpenter’s favorite dessert? A screwball, of course! 🍦
- Why are screws so optimistic? Because they always see the bright side! 😄
- My love life is like a flat-pack furniture assembly… I just can’t seem to get the instructions right. 😔
- What do you call a screw that’s always getting into trouble? A loose cannon! 💣
- My dad keeps telling me to “use the right tool for the job”. So when he’s being stubborn, I just grab a wrench. Problem solved! 🔧
- Dating a carpenter is great. Sure, they might have trust issues, but at least they’re good with their hands. 😉
- I finally organized all my screws by size… Turns out I have a very screwed-up life. 🙃
- I went to a hardware store and asked for some self-tapping screws. The cashier just stared at me and said, “Those do sound pretty impressive.” 🙄
- You should always be careful when using power tools… Unless you’re trying to impress your crush. Then, by all means, go full Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor. 💪
- What’s the difference between a screw and a jail sentence? One tightens with time, the other just feels that way. ⛓️
Screwing Around? Nailed it! 😂
We’re screwed if you didn’t find at least one of these screw jokes funny! But hey, even screws have different sizes, so maybe our humor just needs a little adjusting for your funny bone. Don’t worry, there’s no need to tighten your grip on finding laughter – just loosen up and head over to our website for even more puns and jokes that’ll leave you screwed (in a good way, of course).
