110+ Antique Jokes & Puns: You’re Aging Yourself!
Get ready to laugh yourselves silly because we’ve got a collection of antique jokes and puns that are absolutely 💯 best! 😂 This is where the past meets the present, in the funniest way possible. We’ve got something for everyone, whether you’re a seasoned collector of clever wordplay or just looking for some good old-fashioned humor (pun intended!). 👨👩👧👦 So grab the kids, settle in, and get ready for a list of side-splitting jokes that are anything but antique! 😉
Clever Antique Puns – Top Picks
- Antique-ities? More like Antique-YOU-nities!
- That antique’s so old, it’s pre-tty impressive.
- This antique is one-of-a-kind! Literally.
- Found an antique online… turns out it was just clickbait.
- Dating an antique collector. They’re keeper.
- That antique’s not broken, it’s vintage.
- Antique shopping: Where the past has a price tag.
- Antiques: Proof that good things last.
- I love antiques, they have such history!
- That price is antique-ing my wallet!
- Antiques: Aged to perfection.
- Don’t antique-cipate finding deals on antiques.
- Antiques: They just don’t make ’em like they used to.
- That antique’s so valuable, it’s priceless.
Top Antique Jokes – Best Picks
- Why don’t antiques ever get lonely? Because they’re always surrounded by their old friends!
- I just bought an antique computer! It came with Windows 95… percent off!
- I told my wife she was starting to sound like her antique teacups. She said, “Oh, hush your chipped face!”
- Heard about the antique dealer who was arrested? Turns out, his business was totally illegitimate!
- What do you call an antique that likes to fight? A brawli-quarian!
- What’s an antique hunter’s worst nightmare? Finding a “genuine reproduction.”
- My friend tried to sell me a dusty old lamp at a ridiculous price. I said, “Quit trying to lamp-poon me!”
- Why did the antiques dealer break up with the clock? He felt it was too second-hand.
- You know you’re obsessed with antiques when… Your living room looks like an episode of “Hoarders” but smells like potpourri.
- What does an antique love letter say? “I long for the days of yore…and your sweet, sweet cologne.”
- I went to an antique shop specializing in clocks. I left because I didn’t have the time.
- Just saw an antique store called “Deja Vu.” I thought, “Hey, I’ve seen this store before!”
- Why are antique dealers so calm? They’ve seen it all before… literally.
- My grandpa says his knees are antiques. They’ve been around for ages!
- An antique collector walks into a bar… …carefully, so as not to chip anything.
Funny Antique One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny Antique Jokes
- I wanted to buy an antique car from 1950… but they only had models from 1950.01 and up.
- My friend says his antique collection is priceless… I offered him five bucks for the lot.
- Just bought an antique Roman coin… Gotta love that old coin smell.
- Antiques are so expensive… It’s like the older they get, the more they appreciate in value.
- I told my wife her antique lamp was starting to rust… She said it just added character.
- Went to an antique shop specializing in clocks that haven’t worked in centuries… Talk about a time capsule!
- My grandpa said I could have his antique pocket watch… Too bad I left my phone in 1985.
- Dating an antique collector is tough… Every time I compliment her, she says, “Thanks, I got it for a steal!”
- I saw a sign for an antique shop specializing in “Yesterday’s Junk.”… Pretty sure that’s just called “My Basement.”
- Found an antique chair that looked really uncomfortable… Turns out it was from the Iron Age.
- My therapist said my obsession with antiques is a way of clinging to the past.. I think he needs a new couch.
- They say antiques tell a story… Mine just yells at me to get off its lawn.
- I tried selling my antique furniture online… Nobody bid, but I got a great offer to star in “Hoarders.”
- My antique rocking chair is so old… it remembers when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. It complains about them blocking its view.
Antique QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Antique
- Q: Why did the antique clock tell everyone its age? A: It couldn’t keep it a secret any longer!
- Q: What’s an antique’s favorite type of music? A: Anything before Spotify!
- Q: What do you call an antique dealer who can’t tell the truth? A: A counterfiend!
- Q: Why did the antique book feel lonely? A: Because it was one of a kind and had no contemporaries!
- Q: Where do fleas take their antique finds for insurance? A: To the flea market!
- Q: What do you call a really old, valuable yo-yo? A: A vintage wind-up!
- Q: Why was the antique chair so nervous? A: It was about to be auctioned off, and it was easily chair-itable!
- Q: Why did the antique phone get lost in the museum? A: It lost all its connections!
- Q: How can you tell if a tree is an antique? A: It has a lot of rings, and it’s probably been boarded a few times!
- Q: My friend says he found a real bargain – a talking antique lamp! A: He’s probably just trying to pull the wool over your eyes!
- Q: Why did the antique furniture go to therapy? A: It had too many issues!
- Q: How do you make an antique salad? A: You romaine calm and toss in whatever’s left in the back of the fridge!
- Q: Why don’t they play poker in antique shops? A: Too many chester drawers!
- Q: Why did the collector buy the antique sword? A: He wanted to tell everyone he had a weapon of mass reduction!
Dad Jokes About Antique: Pun-Filled Quips
- Just bought an antique desk online… I hope it’s not a setup!
- Wanted to buy an antique chess set, but nobody would pawn with me!
- I told my wife our furniture is antique… she said, “No, it’s just old!” I said, “Same thing in your family!”
- What’s an antique dealer’s favorite type of music? Anything from Bach to Baroque!
- My wife hates it when I take naps in antique shops… she says I’m always “resting in pieces!”
- I saw a sign that said “Antiques – Almost New!…” I’m holding them to that!
- What’s an antique car’s favorite day of the week? Sunday, of course… Classic!
- Never argue with an antique collector… they take things personally!
- You know why I don’t like antique clocks? They’re always so wound up!
- My son asked me how I knew a book was antique… I said, “Just try turning the page – carefully!”
- You know what they called it when 2 antique shops combined? An antique mall, naturally!
- I love antique furniture… but it’s hard to find anything from this century!
- Antique hunting is my favorite kind of shopping… Everything is so unique-ly priced!
- What’s an antique collector’s motto? Age before beauty (but hopefully, both!)
Antique Jokes and Puns for Kids
- Why did the antique clock run slow? Because it always fell behind time!
- What do you call an antique that likes to fight? A brawl-tique!
- Where do fleas sleep when they’re tired? In an antique flea market!
- My friend said his family was antique furniture. I said, “Really? What’s your story?” He replied, “Oh, we’re an old cabinet family.”
- Why did the antique phone get lost in the library? It couldn’t find its book report!
- What do you call a sneaky antique chair? A sneak-a-tique!
- What musical instrument did the ancient Romans use? A lyre-a!
- Where do ancient pieces of fabric like to hang out? The upholstry district!
- Why are antique maps so bad at poker? They always fold!
- What do you call a grumpy antique? A cranky-tique!
- What kind of music do knights listen to? Medieval-odies!
- My friend tried to sell me an invisible antique. I told him, “No thanks, I can see right through that deal!”
- What do you call a dinosaur that knows a lot about history? An archaeolo-gist!
- Why did the antique vase go to the doctor? It felt cracked!
Antique Jokes and Puns for Elders
- Why don’t they play poker in the antique shop? Because the stakes are too high!
- You know you’re getting old when… “antique” starts to describe how long it’s been since you did something exciting.
- An antique dealer walks into a bar and asks for a drink. As he sits there, he hears a high-pitched voice… “Hey, those trousers look really nice!” The antique dealer looks around but sees nothing. He then returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, he hears the same voice again, “I really like what you’ve done with your hair!” He puts his drink down, completely bewildered and looks around wildly. Still unable to find the source of the voice, he calls over to the bartender, “Hey! What’s that strange voice I keep hearing?” “Those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary, but they’re very old.”
- I met a woman at an antique auction the other day. We really hit it off, turns out we have so much in common. It’s our sixth date tonight, I think I’m going to ask her to marry me. I’m absolutely smitten…antique her!
- I wanted to buy an antique chess set but it was way too expensive. The dealer wouldn’t budge on the price, he said it was vintage, from a famous medieval Czech mate.
- I just bought a pair of antique glasses. They cost a fortune, but I figured it was worth it – they belonged to Winston Churchill. I’m just hoping they help me see things from a new perspective.
- My wife said our furniture is too antique… I said, “Honey, it’s vintage, it just needs a good dusting!”
- My friend is an antique dealer. He’s doing so well, he just bought his business next door. He’s expanding his reign.
- I went to an antique shop specializing in clocks yesterday. I was amazed by the collection but none of them worked! I guess you could say…time stood still.
- Why did the antique clock get a promotion at work? Because it was always ahead of its time.
- My grandfather is like a valuable antique… Full of rich history, a little worn around the edges, and worth a fortune!
- I saw an antique for sale – a talking parrot. “This parrot is amazing!” the shopkeeper said. “He’s over 200 years old!” “Wow,” I said. “That’s incredible! But if he’s so old, how come he’s still so small?” The parrot looked me dead in the eye and squawked, “I’m a slow talker, what’s it to you?”
- An elderly woman is browsing in an antique shop when she spots a beautiful silver teapot shaped like a cat. She picks it up and examines it, noticing a small price tag on the bottom. “Five dollars for a silver teapot?” she asks the owner incredulously. “That’s a steal! Is there something wrong with it?” “Not at all, madam,” replies the owner with a wink. “It’s just that every time you make tea, this teapot… it has kittens.”
- I tried to explain to my grandson that my old radio was an antique. He just laughed and said, “Sure, Gramps, and I bet you used to listen to dinosaur podcasts on it too!”
- Found an antique rocking chair online for a great price. It said “assembly required”… Now I need to find an antique teenager.
Antique Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Social Media
- Just bought an antique bureau online. I’m hoping for a good delivery, but I have my reservations.
- What do you call an antique that likes to fight? A brawlique.
- Heard a rumor that there’s a haunted antique shop in town. Apparently, things go bump in the price range.
- My friend said his antique business is really taking off. I told him that’s great, now he can put down roots.
- Found an antique map made of papyrus… Turns out it’s from the Nile-and-error period.
- You know an antique is truly valuable when… It’s worth a lot, antique-wise.
- Why did the antique clock get an award? It was always ahead of its time.
- Just bought a medieval door knocker online, but the seller forgot to send a part. Now it’s a knock-knock, who’s there? …
- Tried to explain to my dog why he can’t play fetch with the antique vase. It just went in one ear and out the other.
- Dating an antique collector is exciting. Every date feels like a museum trip… until you realize you’re the artifact.
- My antique collection brings all the boys to the yard. But then I have to tell them “Don’t touch that!”
- You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything. Especially antiques.
- Why are antiques so expensive? Have you seen the price of new stuff lately?
- Went to an antique shop specializing in clocks. They were really good at telling time flies.
