109+ Baptism Puns & Jokes: Holy Water You Laughing At?!
💦 Dive into the holiest water this side of the Jordan River – we’re talking about the best baptism jokes and puns, folks! 😂 Ready to add some clever humor to your next baptism celebration? 🎉 Whether you’re looking for knee-slappers for kids or 🤪 hilarious puns that’ll have the whole congregation giggling, this list of funny baptism material is guaranteed to make a splash! 💦
Top Baptism Jokes – Best Picks
Where do they baptize cats? In the River Jordan Free.
Why are baptisms so holy? Because they’re full of spirit.
Why did the preacher wear scuba gear to the baptism? He wanted to go deeper into his sermon.
What’s a baptism’s favorite genre of music? Christian rock!
I saw a sign that said, “Baptisms performed while you wait.” Sounds a little risky, I’d rather they dunk me in properly.
You know you’re at a long baptism when… you start understanding what the fish are saying.
What do you get if you cross a baptism with a magic show? A disappearing act you have to believe in.
Why did the baptism interrupt the preacher? Because he kept saying, “And with this water…” and the baptism was getting impatient!
What did the river say after the baptism? “Well, that was refreshing.”
Heard about the priest who was also a bodybuilder? He made quite the splash at baptisms.
I tried to baptize my cat in holy water… It just made him holy mackerel.
What did the shy water say to the priest at the baptism? “I’m feeling a little nervous, is this my first time?”
Why are photographers always calm at baptisms? They know everyone will be getting a new profile picture.
Clever Baptism Puns – Best Picks
I’m starting to think this baptism is taking too long. The preacher is really milking it for all it’s worth.
What do you call a penguin who’s unsure about baptism? A lukewarm-itarian.
Someone stole all the holy water from the church! Police say it’s a clear case of baptism robbery.
That priest’s sermons are so captivating, even the baptismal font was converted.
Breaking News: Local bakery to start selling “Holy Donuts” after a baptism of fire destroys their previous inventory.
That baby cried so much during the baptism, we thought they were going to have to use holy-tears instead of water!
My friend says he found enlightenment at the bottom of a baptismal font. Sounds like a load of holy water to me.
You can say a lot of things about this church, but you can’t deny they have a killer baptismal font.
This heatwave is so intense, I saw a bird using the baptismal font as a bird bath-tism.
The church installed a new, high-tech baptismal font. They say it’s all the rage-tism.
The priest told me I needed to be more font-ly in my approach to baptism.
I’m starting a new band called “The Holy Rollers,” and our first album is called “Baptism of Cool.”
Those monks are so devoted, they get up at dawn every day for baptism meditation.
I tried to convince the church to replace the baptismal font with a slip-n-slide. They weren’t buy-tism it.
Funny Baptism One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny Baptism Jokes
They asked the baby how he liked his baptism. He just gave them the silent treatment.
I’m starting to think the pastor’s lost his touch, he used to baptize in the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit, now it’s just a quick “sink or swim.”
My friend said he found baptism incredibly moving. I guess being carried to the altar as a baby will do that to you.
I tried to baptize my cat the other day… turns out they’re already holy terrors.
Apparently, there’s a new sparkling water brand called “Baptism Water.” It’s making quite a splash.
They say with baptism comes great responsibility… mostly to stay dry for the photo op.
Heard about the priest who was a terrible driver? He kept accidentally baptizing people at the carwash.
The pastor asked the congregation to turn to the book of Revelations for a reading on baptism. I guess he wanted us to have a deep dive.
I wanted to be baptized in chocolate milk, but the church said that was heresy.
My friend told me she wanted a destination baptism in the Dead Sea. I told her that was pushing it a bit.
The baby looked surprised during his baptism. I guess you could say he was all like “holy water, Batman!”
Just saw a sign that said “Drive-thru baptism.” Seems a little shallow to me.
They’re calling the baby’s baptism a “splash hit” – guess they haven’t heard of the silent treatment.
I went to a baptism where they used a wading pool instead of a font. They weren’t quite submerged in the faith.
I saw a group of penguins getting baptized. Talk about a flock that’s all in!
Baptism QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Baptism
Q: What did the ocean say to the river at the baptism? A: “Looks like we’ve got a new convert…to liquid-ity!”
Q: Why did the pastor bring a ladder to the baptism? A: He heard the baptism was going to be really moving.
Q: What kind of music do they play at a hip-hop baptism? A: Gospel, but with a good beat and you can definitely baptize to it.
Q: Why was the baby so calm during his baptism? A: He was already used to liquid assets.
Q: How can you tell if someone is a professional baptizer? A: They have a whole congregation of techniques!
Q: Did you hear about the nervous pastor during the baptism? A: He dropped the ball… and the baby…and the microphone!
Q: What’s the only kind of baptism cats enjoy? A: A catastrophe – because they hate water!
Q: Why was the history book soaked after the baptism? A: It fell into a significant body of water!
Q: Where do they hold underwater baptisms? A: In a baptistery, of course! What else would you call a swimming pool with stained glass?
Q: What happens when a king gets baptized? A: He gets holier-than-thou… literally!
Q: What do you call a baptism that takes place in the metaverse? A: A virtual blessing!
Q: Did you hear about the baptism that was so popular they had to issue tickets? A: Apparently, it was standing room only in the splash zone!
Q: Why are baptisms like really good sermons? A: Because they’re both incredibly moving experiences!
Dad Jokes About Baptism: Pun-Filled Quips
Just saw a priest trying to baptize a bunch of rubber ducks in the bathtub. I guess you could say he’s really pushing the believe-it-or-not aspect of the religion.
They should call baptism a “dip-loma” because you get certified holy!
My son cried during his baptism. I told him, “Don’t worry, it’s just holy water under the bridge now!”
Heard about the priest who was late to the baptism? He got tide up!
My wife asked me to choose between the baptism and a fishing trip. Talk about a tough choice… I’m really in deep water with that one!
Went to a baptism where they used sparkling water. Someone wanted to add a little spirit to the occasion.
That baby was really quiet during the baptism. Must have been board with the whole thing.
The priest asked if anyone had objections. I yelled out, “Yeah, water you waiting for?!” (Don’t tell my wife I said that.)
My wife wanted a live band for the baptism. I told her that was way over the font!
Apparently, they don’t use waterproof ink on the baptism certificates. What a washout!
What’s the difference between a baptism and the ocean? One is a religious experience, the other is a religious experience! (Get it? Because you get wet in both?)
They say baptism washes away your sins. Does that mean I can do whatever I want until then? Just kidding, honey! (Please don’t hurt me).
Why do they always dress babies in white for their baptism? So you can’t see them sin! (At least not easily.)
Someone tried to tell me baptism was just a bunch of hocus pocus. I told them they needed to be-lieve!
Baptism Jokes and Puns for Kids
Why did the baby giggle during his baptism? Because the water tickled his funny bone!
What did the minister say to the baby before the baptism? “Let’s get this show on the road!”
What kind of music do they play at a baptism? Hymns and “splishy-splashy” tunes!
What did the baby wear to his baptism? A tiny little robe-y and a big, bubbly smile!
Why was the baptism cake extra special? It was holy-ly delicious!
What did the river say to the baby during the baptism? “Welcome to the wet side!”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bap. Bap who? Bap-tism you were here!
Why did the baby bring a towel to his baptism? Just in case things got a little “wild” in the water. 😉
What’s a baby’s favorite part of a baptism ceremony? Getting sprinkled! It’s like a mini water park!
Where do they keep the holy water? In a “holy” water cooler, of course!
What do you call a penguin at a baptism? A “bird” of faith!
Why did the little lamb get baptized? He wanted to be part of the “flock”!
Have you heard about the baptismal font shortage? People are really “diving” into their faith these days!
What do you get if you cross a baptism with a magic show? A disappearing act, but only for sins!
Why was the baby calm during his baptism? He was “swimmingly” happy!
Baptism Jokes and Puns for Elders
Why did the elder bring a snack to the baptism? Because he heard it was BYOB (Bring Your Own Bread and wine)!
Did you hear about the priest who was known for his incredibly short baptisms? He only performed splash and dashes.
An elderly woman at church noticed a young man who always came for the baptism but always left before the service. Curious, she asked, “Are you only here for the spritzing and not the sermon?”
Why was the baptismal font always so well-informed? Because it was holy water!
What do you call a baptism that happens in the winter? A brr-th of new life!
My friend said he found baptism to be a very moving experience. I told him, “Well, technically you’re supposed to be still.”
What’s the difference between a baptism and a tax audit? One is a cleansing ritual, and the other just feels like you’re drowning.
Why did the congregation laugh when the Priest said “Let us pray” at the baptism? They thought he said, “Let us prey!”
Why did the baby cry during the baptism rehearsal? It was just a little pre-mature for the real thing.
They say when you’re baptized, you get a clean slate. I guess that’s why they call it the “sins” of the father.
You know you’re at an exciting baptism when… even the priest is holding his breath!
What did the ocean say to the baptismal font? “You can’t tide me down!”
My friend tried to tell me baptism washes away all your sins. I told him, “That’s what soap is for!”
Why are priests so good at poker? They know when to hold ’em and when to holy water!
Baptism Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Social Media
Just saw a sign that said “Baptism Today!” I’m tempted to go in and ask if they have curbside pickup. #SoakedInHumor #BaptismDriveThru
Not saying the baptism water was cold, but the priest is now sporting a stylish ice sculpture of a robe. #WinterBaptism #HolyChiller
My friend invited me to his kid’s baptism, but I accidentally showed up at the after-party. I guess you could say I’m now sinfully full of cake. #BaptismMissedIt #WorthIt
Tried to explain to my dog that the baby’s baptism wasn’t a bath for him too. He’s currently sitting in the corner, looking very betrayed and slightly damp. #DoggoneBaptism #SoggyDoggo
The priest asked if anyone objects to the baptism… My brain: “Only if you don’t dunk the cookies afterward.” #Priorities #BaptismMunchies
Baptisms: the only time it’s socially acceptable to hold someone else’s baby underwater. #WaterBaby #BaptismFacts
My phone almost went for an unexpected swim at the baptism, which would’ve been tragic… mainly because I was recording for the ‘gram! #BaptismInfluencer #AlmostADisaster
My kid’s reaction to being baptized was pretty much the same as getting a vaccine. Lots of tears, followed by cake. #BaptismTears #SugarFixesEverything
Thought I understood babies… then I went to a baptism and realized they’re basically waterproof. #BabiesAreMagic #BaptismWonder
Pretty sure the priest gave me the side-eye when I yelled “Cannonball!” during the baptism. #Oops #EnthusiasmFail
Went to a baptism where they used a pool instead of a font. The whole thing felt more like a pool party. Turns out the Holy Spirit also accepts floaties. #PoolsideBaptism #CasualSunday
You know you’re at a baptism when the air is thick with the scent of holy water and everyone is awkwardly holding their breath. #BaptismVibes #HoldingMyBreathForJesus
Someone asked me if I prefer baptisms or weddings… I told them, “Weddings, because there’s usually an open bar.” #Honestly #JustBeingReal
Sprinkled with Laughter, Soaking in the Fun!
We hope these baptism jokes had you holier-than-thou howling with laughter! If you’re thirsty for more punny fun, dive right into the holy water of humor on our website. We promise a flood of jokes that will leave you soaked in laughter.
