93+ Tape Measure Jokes: Puns That Really Measure Up
Get ready to laugh out loud with this hilarious list of tape measure jokes! 🤣 We’ve got the best puns and funny quips, perfect for kids and adults who appreciate a little bit of clever humor. 😉 This isn’t your average list of jokes; we’ve measured out the perfect amount of fun for everyone. So, grab your funny bone and get ready to chuckle at these tape measure-themed jokes – they’re sure to be right up your alley (or should we say, measuring tape)! 😂 📏
Top Tape Measure Jokes – Best Picks
- Why did the tape measure blush? It saw the carpenter stripping! 🙈
- Did you hear about the introverted tape measure? It kept to itself.
- How does a tape measure introduce itself? “Measure to meet you!” 👋
- My tape measure broke my heart. It said we weren’t a good fit.💔
- How does a tape measure get around? Inch by inch. 🐌
- What’s a tape measure’s favorite song? “You Give Love A Bad Name” by Bon Jovi. 🎶
- What’s a tape measure’s favorite snack? Anything measured in feet! 🦶
- You know you’ve been working too hard when… you can hear your tape measure groaning.
- I tried to become friends with a measuring tape… but it was always so uptight!
- I used to have a tape measure called Stanley… But then we split. Turns out, he couldn’t handle the long distance.
- What’s a tape measure’s favorite dance move? The conga line! 🐛
- Why did the tape measure get fired from the band? It couldn’t keep a beat! 🥁
- A tape measure walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender walks away he hears, “Hey! Put it on my tab!” 🍻
Clever Tape Measure Puns – Best Picks
- This tape measure is really coming in handy! (Get it? Because it has a handy handle…)
- I lost my tape measure, I guess you could say I’m…short-changed.
- A comedian threw a tape measure at the audience. He said it was a yardstick of their laughter.
- I saw a tape measure in the ocean. It was totally swamped.
- My tape measure only measures in centimeters. What a senti-mental gift!
- A tape measure’s favorite snack? Measure-nnes. (Meringues)
- You know what they say about tape measures? They’re all about give and take.
- I wanted to buy a talking tape measure… but they were always out of stock.
- The carpenter broke up with the tape measure. He said it was a very one-sided relationship.
- What’s a tape measure’s favorite song? Anything by the Foo Fighters… because it’s always “measuring up” to the competition.
- That tape measure is looking a little under the weather. I think he’s got the flu… or maybe he’s just a bit inched out.
- My tape measure broke my heart. It said I wasn’t its type.
- Tried to have a philosophical debate with a tape measure once. It just kept going in circles.
- You know a tape measure has had a long day when it just wants to unwind.
Funny Tape Measure One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny Tape Measure Jokes
- I tried to make a belt out of tape measures, but it was a waist of time.
- A tape measure’s life is full of ups and downs, but mostly inches.
- The tape measure was feeling insecure, it just needed a little encouragement.
- My tape measure broke in the middle of a project, I guess you could say it reached its breaking point.
- You know what they say about guys with big tape measures? Big…toolboxes.
- I saw a tape measure at the flea market going for a steal. I should have measured it before I got excited, turned out to be a scam.
- Never ask a tape measure how its day went, it’ll be an unnecessarily long answer.
- The detective couldn’t solve the case, so he asked the tape measure for its input. He wanted to get to the bottom of things.
- Being a comedian is hard, you’re constantly judged by your delivery…and your tape measure, apparently.
- My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So I took it to the movies and dinner first, it was a really long date… I should have used a tape measure.
- Why did the tape measure get fired from the fabric store? It kept coming up short.
- My tape measure told me it wanted to be a comedian. I said, “You better have a lot of good material.”
- The tape measure got lost in the library. It was found between a ruler and a dictionary…it was framed.
- I used to date a tape measure. It was great at first, but then she cheated on me…with a ruler. I guess she went back to her ex.
- What’s a tape measure’s favorite song? Anything by the band “Measure for Measure.”
Tape Measure QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Tape Measure
- Q: Why did the tape measure blush? A: It saw the toolbox in a tight spot!
- Q: What’s a tape measure’s favorite snack? A: Anything measured in milli-meters.
- Q: Hey tape measure, why are you always so tense? A: I live life inch by inch!
- Q: The contractor got arrested. What was he charged with? A: Assault with a deadly tape measure! Apparently, he “snapped”.
- Q: What does a superstitious tape measure rely on? A: Good measure-ments!
- Q: Why is the tape measure such a good comedian? A: It always has great timing!
- Q: Why did the tape measure get lost on its trip? A: It forgot to convert feet to miles.
- Q: The tape measure went to art school. What was its favorite medium? A: Mixed media – it loved combining inches and centimeters!
- Q: Why did the tape measure fail its driving test? A: It couldn’t stay in its lane!
- Q: What did the tape measure say to the carpenter? A: “Looks like we’ve got a lot in common!”
- Q: Did you hear about the tape measure that entered a marathon? A: It was aiming to go the distance!
- Q: What’s a tape measure’s favorite song? A: Anything by the Measure-s!
- Q: I found a talking tape measure at the antique store. What did it say to me? A: “Hey! Wanna measure my age?”
- Q: Did you hear about the tape measure who became a detective? A: It was always getting to the bottom of things!
- Q: Why don’t tape measures get invited to parties? A: Because they’re always measuring everyone up!
Dad Jokes About Tape Measure: Pun-Filled Quips
- Someone stole my tape measure! Now that’s what I call a ruler crime!
- I saw a tape measure hanging out with a ruler. I guess you could say they were…measuring up to each other!
- I used to have a job measuring curtains. It had its ups and downs.
- Why did the tape measure break up with the yardstick? Because they couldn’t see eye to eye!
- My wife told me to take the spider webs down, not measure them. I guess I misunderstood the tape measure of the task.
- My kid asked me how I got so good at using a tape measure. Practice makes perfect…inches!
- I bought a talking tape measure the other day. It still kept me at arm’s length, though.
- Never ask a tape measure for advice. It’s usually biased and prejudiced towards one inch or another!
- What’s a tape measure’s favorite song? “Inch by Inch” by David Allan Coe!
- What’s a contortionist’s favorite tool? A tape measure… he can really stretch it!
- The other day, my tape measure fell apart in the middle of a project. I guess you could say it reached its breaking point.
- My tape measure told me it wanted to be a comedian when it grows up. I said, “You’ve got to have a good sense of humor and know how to string a punchline together first!”
- Why did the tape measure blush? Because it saw the carpenter’s level!
- I tried to make a belt out of a tape measure once. It was a waist of time!
Tape Measure Jokes and Puns for Kids
- Why did the tape measure blush? Because it saw the carpenter’s crack! (get it? …wood crack!)
- What did the baby tape measure say to its mom? I’m all “wound” up!
- Why is the tape measure so good at hide and seek? Because it’s always got inches up its sleeve!
- How does a tape measure get to sleep? You have to measure-ly rock it.
- Where does a tape measure go on vacation? To the Nile River…it’s got miles and miles of shoreline!
- What’s a tape measure’s favorite dance? The conga line! Because it just goes on and on.
- Why did the tape measure get in trouble at school? For shrinking the answers off someone else’s paper!
- My tape measure broke in half… …guess I have to go to the store and get a new ruler now!
- What’s a tape measure’s favorite snack? Anything that’s “inch-credibly” delicious!
- My dad’s a carpenter, and he takes his work very seriously… He says, “Measure twice, cut once… unless you’re using a really cheap tape measure!”
- How do you fix a broken tape measure? With tape! Sticky situation, huh?
- What’s a tape measure’s favorite game to play? Anything that involves “measuring” up to the competition!
- Why are tape measures so good at telling secrets? They’re good listeners and always keep things under wraps!
- Never start an argument with a tape measure… They’re always right!
- What’s a tape measure’s favorite movie? Lord of the Rulers!
Tape Measure Jokes and Puns for Elders
- Why did the old tape measure retire? Because it was completely stretched out!
- My doctor said I need to reduce my stress. Easier said than measured! Especially without a tape measure.
- You know you’re getting old when… You use the tape measure to see how much taller you haven’t gotten this year.
- I tried to measure my patience today… Turns out, it’s a very short distance between “fine” and “get off my lawn.”
- My grandpa is so old… He remembers when “cutting edge technology” meant having a really sharp tape measure.
- My new retirement hobby is woodworking. I’m getting pretty good, but I still measure twice and cut once. Old habits die hard!
- What did the husband say when his wife asked him to measure the curtains? “Those sound like curtain measurements to me!”
- I told my grandkids I used to have a measuring tape that could tell the future. They looked at me like I was measuring crazy.
- Went to an antique shop today and found a tape measure from the 1800s. It was in inches, naturally. Because back then, everything was measured in its prime!
- Why did the tape measure blush? Because it saw the carpenter’s level!
- My doctor told me I needed more “me time.” So I locked myself in the bathroom with a tape measure and finally figured out my ideal waist size… Too bad my real one hasn’t caught up yet.
- Heard a rumor about a magic tape measure… Apparently, it adds inches to your self-esteem.
- Life is like a tape measure… You gotta make the most of every inch. Especially the last few!
Tape Measure Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Social Media
- I tried to make a belt out of tape measures… It was a waist of time.
- My tape measure told me to “be more realistic.” I guess I set the bar too high.
- Just found out my tape measure only measures in centimeters. Looks like I’ve been inch-ored to the wrong system this whole time!
- Heard a rumor about a sentient tape measure… Seems like it always knows the score.
- My therapist says I’m obsessed with measuring things. I told him to give me an inch, then I’d be outta there.
- You know you’re in a committed relationship when… You share a tape measure without having to rewind it.
- What’s a tape measure’s favorite musical genre? Anything with a good measure.
- Why did the tape measure get fired from the construction site? It kept coming up short.
- Why do tape measures make bad magicians? They can’t pull a rabbit out of a hat, but they can pull 10 feet out of their pocket.
- What’s a tape measure’s favorite snack? Anything measured in feet and inches.
- The tape measure was feeling pretty down on himself… He said he wasn’t made for these measuring contests.
- Bought a new talking tape measure. Turns out it had too much feedback.
- Relationship status: In a love-hate relationship with my tape measure. I love what it does, but hate what it says.
- My DIY project went so badly, even the tape measure was like “whoa, that’s rough…”
- Never ask a tape measure how its day is going. It’ll be an extended conversation.
That’s a Wrap! (Measure) These Puns Out for Size 😂
We’re at the end of our tape measure of jokes, and hopefully, we measured up to your expectations! But the fun doesn’t stop here. Stick around and explore our website for more puns and jokes that are anything but sew-sew.
