99+ Calendar Jokes & Puns: You’ll LOL Through the Year!

ByRabia Noreen & Team

Get ready to laugh your 😂 socks off because we’ve got the best calendar jokes and puns this side of the Gregorian calendar! 🥳 This list of clever puns and knee-slapping humor is perfect for kids and adults who are just young at heart. So, get your funny bone ready, because these calendar jokes are about to turn your day from a Monday to a Fun-day! 😉 🗓️😂

Top Calendar Jokes – Best Picks

  1. I used to have this really cool calendar… Then all of the days just up and left! What a bunch of flakes.
  2. Why don’t calendars ever go on vacation? They always get booked!
  3. I once knew a guy who swallowed a calendar. He had a light lunch date, but a heavy week ahead.
  4. My friend tried to sell me a calendar app, claimed it was revolutionary. I told him, “Get outta here, it’s just the same days in a different order!”
  5. Did you hear about the calendar thief who got caught? He got 12 months!
  6. Why did the history book break up with the calendar? It thought the calendar was too date-obsessed!
  7. Why do calendars make such bad friends? They are always two-faced!
  8. I tried writing a calendar-themed romantic comedy. It was a real page-turner… until the end of the month anyway.
  9. Why did May always pick fights with the other months? It had a real chip on its shoulder about being short.
  10. Why don’t they let skeletons work at calendar factories? They take too many skull days!
  11. What does a nosey pepper do to your calendar? It gets all up in your business!
  12. Why are calendars so organized? They have the whole year planned out!
  13. My wife loves calendars, but she hates February. She says it’s just not her type.
Ultimate collection of Best Calendar Jokes and Puns, One-liners, Dad Jokes, Funny Quotes, and Captions - Discover engaging and humorous content at PunnyHub.com

Clever Calendar Puns – Top Picks

  1. I’m starting a new job at the calendar factory – I’m really looking forward to it, date-pending.
  2. Life is like a calendar; if you don’t make the most of today, you’ll just have yesterday’s leftovers.
  3. Found a typo in my new calendar. It said “Jalapeno-ary” instead of January. Guess I’m starting the year with a little spice!
  4. My calendar got stolen. I guess whoever took it is planning a very busy year.
  5. My therapist told me to tear off each day on the calendar to relieve stress. Now every month feels like the shortest ever.
  6. Just had a heated argument with my calendar. Turns out, we had a major mis-week.
  7. Tried to make a calendar for procrastinators… never got around to finishing it.
  8. Don’t you hate it when people say, “It’s all just a matter of time”? Like, hello, I have a calendar fully booked with anxieties!
  9. Bought a calendar with pictures of bread for each month. It’s my new favorite loafer-ture.
  10. I threw my calendar out the window. It was about time!
  11. My friend said his New Year’s resolution is to read a book every day. I told him, “Don’t get ahead of yourself. Just try finishing your calendar first.”
  12. Dating a calendar is pretty demanding. It always expects me to make plans days in advance!
  13. You know you’re old when your favorite calendar feature is the large print.
  14. I used to be addicted to buying calendars, but I’m clean now. I just take it one day at a time.

Funny Calendar One-Liner Jokes – Short & Funny Calendar Jokes

  1. I tried to organize a party on my calendar, but it was too booked up.
  2. My calendar’s life motto? “Just take one day at a time.”
  3. Be careful not to offend your calendar this year. It might hold a grudge for the next 12 months.
  4. My calendar is like my bank account – always running out of days before the month ends.
  5. I met someone incredible today. They gave my calendar meaning.
  6. You know you’re an adult when buying a new calendar is the highlight of your year.
  7. My calendar told me to have a good day. I told it, “Don’t tell me what to do.”
  8. I bought a wine-themed calendar. It’s very intoxicating.
  9. My cat thinks a calendar is a scratching post with better marketing.
  10. I used to have a digital calendar. I decided to switch back to analog – the loading times were just too long.
  11. My calendar app keeps crashing. Guess I’ll just have to live in the moment.
  12. I bought a calendar specifically for writing down my bad dates. It’s already full.
  13. Time flies when you’re having fun, unless you’re looking at a calendar. Then it just mocks you.
  14. You can tell a lot about a person by their calendar. For example, mine says “Avoid making plans.”
  15. Breaking news: February to sue calendar companies for blatant size discrimination.

Calendar QnA Quip – QnA Jokes & Puns about Calendar

  1. Q: Why did the calendar go to therapy? A: It had too many issues.
  2. Q: How does a calendar keep its cool? A: It takes things one day at a time.
  3. Q: What’s a calendar’s favorite type of music? A: Anything with a good beat.
  4. Q: What do you call a calendar that’s always wrong? A: Mis-calculated.
  5. Q: What did the calendar say to the to-do list? A: “Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.”
  6. Q: What’s a bee’s favorite month? A: Honey-comb.
  7. Q: Why did the calendar get fired from its job? A: It kept having a breakdown every month.
  8. Q: What’s a calendar’s favorite snack? A: Dates.
  9. Q: Why was the calendar always tired? A: It was constantly running out of days.
  10. Q: Did you hear about the calendar that won an award? A: It was truly outstanding in its field.
  11. Q: Why is the calendar always so organized? A: It has all its dates in order.
  12. Q: What do you call a lazy calendar? A: A procrast-in-ator.
  13. Q: What do you get if you cross a calendar with a comedian? A: A year full of laughs… or at least a few good weeks.
  14. Q: Why do calendars seem to know everything? A: They have all the dates.

Dad Jokes About Calendar: Pun-Filled Quips

  1. Me: I think my calendar is broken. You: Why? Me: It’s still saying it’s July! You: Dad… that’s because it IS July. Me: Oh, well that’s a relief! I thought it was running behind.
  2. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh! What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish! What do you call it when a fish is really good at math? A calendar. Why? Because it has all its dates down!
  3. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So I took it to the movies. What did the spider say to the calendar? “Hey, looks like your days are numbered!”
  4. I saw a calendar on sale for 50% off! What a date steal!
  5. Why did the calendar get a promotion? Because it worked its way up from the bottom date!
  6. What do you get if you cross a calendar with a dictionary? A datenary!
  7. Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months! They say his crimes were date-astardly!
  8. My wife asked me if I knew what the date was… as if I hadn’t just flipped over yesterday!
  9. What’s a tree’s least favorite month? SepTIMMMBERRRRRR! Why does that make the calendar sad? Because it’s a sad story!
  10. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! Why is being a calendar maker so stressful? You’re always under a lot of pressure to get the dates right!
  11. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims! What does that have to do with a calendar? Absolutely nothing, do you have a problem with that?!
  12. Someone stole all the weekdays from my calendar! I guess I’ll just have to try again next weak.
  13. Why did the page fly off the calendar? It thought it was outstanding!

Calendar Jokes and Puns for Kids

  1. Why did the calendar go to the doctor? Because it had too many dates!
  2. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato! Wait… why is this on the calendar for March?
  3. My calendar year is going great! Every day is an advent-ure!
  4. Teacher: “What’s a calendar’s favorite vegetable?” Student: “A date!”
  5. I tried to make a calendar out of spaghetti… But I realized I pasta-poned it for too long!
  6. My friend said February was his favorite month because it’s short and sweet. Personally, I think that’s Febru-lame.
  7. What did the calendar say to the pencil? “Looking sharp!”
  8. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Calen. Calen who? Calen-darling, it’s cold outside!
  9. What did the math book say to the calendar? “Wow, you’ve got problems!”
  10. I used to be addicted to the calendar… but I got 12 steps ahead and turned over a new leaf!
  11. Did you hear about the bear who couldn’t remember what months were in summer? He had to look it up in his calen-dear!
  12. My cat loves looking at the calendar. He’s trying to find the meow-st interesting holiday!
  13. What do you call a fish that’s always late? A delay-fish! Don’t worry, I marked his birthday on the calendar!

Calendar Jokes and Puns for Elders

  1. Why did the calendar maker get a promotion? Because he excelled at his job!
  2. You know you’re getting old when… Your idea of exciting plans is figuring out which day to write “dentist” in your new calendar.
  3. I tried to explain to my grandkids what a calendar year is… They just looked at me with their iPhones and said, “Siri, what is a year?”
  4. My doctor told me to keep a food diary. Now I have a calendar full of pizza stains. What a delicious mess!
  5. My social life is so dull, my calendar cries itself to sleep every night. It’s just page after page of “Netflix & Chill…with myself.”
  6. Retirement is great! Every day is a Saturday. Except for Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, of course.
  7. Calendars are proof that time flies… Especially when you have to buy a new one every year.
  8. I used to keep track of all my appointments in my head. Now I just write “See Doctor – Figure out why I can’t remember anything” on every calendar day.
  9. My new calendar came with a free motivational quote. It says, “You’re one year closer to needing a bigger font size.”
  10. Remember when we were young and used calendars to count down to exciting events? Now we use them to count down to our next doctor’s appointment.
  11. I just bought a wine-themed calendar. Each month features a different bottle I can’t afford.
  12. My calendar is like a history book. Full of dates I’d rather forget.
  13. I’m at that age where I need two calendars. One to remind me what day it is, and the other to remind me what I was supposed to do on that day.
  14. My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. I keep forgetting… Oh, never mind, it’s written on my calendar.
  15. What did the retired calendar say to the working calendar? “Just wait, your days are numbered!”

Calendar Puns and Jokes for Reddit & Social Media

  1. My calendar app told me to “Get ready for the weekend!” I told it, “Dude, I’ve been ready since Monday.” #Relatable #TGIF
  2. Just got fired from my job at the calendar factory. My boss said I took too many days off. #UnemployedButPunny #Irony
  3. Life is like a calendar: Your days might be numbered, but you still get to fill them in. #DeepThoughts #MotivationMonday
  4. I have a feeling my calendar is judging my lack of social life. It just whispered, “Meeting? What’s a meeting?” #IntrovertProblems #SociallyDistanced
  5. You know you’ve had a productive week when your “To-Do” list is longer than your calendar app. #WorkaholicsAnonymous #NeverFinished
  6. My calendar is full of exciting events, like “Do Laundry,” “Pay Bills,” and the ever-thrilling “Contemplate Life Choices.” #AdultingIsHard #TheStruggleIsReal
  7. My therapist told me to take a break from all the stress and just “live in the moment.” So I threw out my calendar. Now the police are at my door. #TakingThingsLiterally #Oops
  8. Apparently “Netflix and Chill” isn’t an acceptable work meeting on a shared calendar. #SorryNotSorry #BingeWatcherLife
  9. My dog ate my calendar. I have no idea what day it is, but it’s definitely playtime! #DogOwnerLife #AlwaysTimeForFetch
  10. Met someone amazing today. They asked for my number, and I accidentally gave them the sequence on my wall calendar. #SmoothOperator #DatingFail
  11. Breaking News: Scientists have developed a calendar that runs on sarcasm and procrastination. It’s expected to be done sometime next year. #ProcrastinationNation #SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage
  12. Just bought a self-filling calendar. Pretty impressive technology, but it keeps scheduling dentist appointments and family dinners. #FutureIsHere #NotWhatIExpected
  13. My ideal Friday night? Curled up with a glass of wine… and absolutely nothing on the calendar. #WeekendVibes #SelfCareIsImportant

That’s All Folks! Time Flies When You’re Having Pun.

Well, it seems our time together has come to an end. Don’t tear away just yet, though! We have a whole year’s worth of hilarious puns and jokes just waiting to tickle your funny bone. Explore our website and discover a whole new world of punny possibilities. You’ll be laughing all the way to next December!

Rabia Noreen & Team

Rabia Noreen: The Punnovator

Hi, I'm Rabia, the lead punster behind PunnyHub.com, alongside my incredible team. With a background in Comparative Literature, I specialize in turning phrases and crafting chuckles. My team and I are committed to delivering humor that not only entertains but enlightens. Every post we share is designed to sprinkle your day with laughter and a dash of wit. Find your Best Puns & Jokes.

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